Lagos APC Primaries: I Warned Kayode

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Kayode is my friend and Neighbour. One day, I saw his posters pasted on his cars seeking election into the chairmanship of Yaba Local Government or is it Development Area they call it these days? I immediately knew that this person had lost his way. I ran into his apartment and met him in a small meeting with his supporters and shook my head in pity. I excused him and gave him three hundred reasons why he should stop this joke.

He looked at me with misplaced determination and stubbornness, stating that it was God that called him on this mission. I assured him, he did not hear the call well and that as the Duke of Shomolu with varied experience in the field – that this was dead on arrival. Well, my people, Kayode went on with his campaign, pasting his posters all over the nooks and crannies of Yaba and trying a bit to raise the much-needed funds. I once again, went back to him wondering what an oil and gas professional with no prior experience in politicking especially the brand being practiced in Lagos was doing in these murky waters. He opened his Facebook page and showed me the number of people that were following him. I almost fell down with laughter, this one wants to use Facebook to contest grassroots election. I wished him well but not before asking him if he had ever met the Lion at Bourdillon or even knew how to get to the street. He responded by saying he did not need to know anybody and that he was on a mission. Well my people, Kayode came back from the primaries barely holding his liver on his hands.

The whole thing had been ‘scattered’. His shirts were torn to pieces and he was half-naked as he ran into our estate, sweating and barely catching his breath. The whole thing according to him was disrupted as the people rebelled against the usual imposition of candidates. He did not even hear his name as the thugs ran riot and the returning officer, an ex-senator was manhandled. People scampered for their lives and he did not know how he got back home without his shoes. He quickly called his employers to beg for his job back and I had to intervene before his wife allowed him back into the house. She had warned him. Today once again, we have lost a good man who would have been the difference due to the penchant for the imposition of candidates who most times lack the capacity and integrity to hold power. It was clear the primaries were disrupted and was a sham from all reports but miraculously, candidates have been submitted to the INEC and once again, the party of Change has saddled us with their own homegrown politics of imposition. I will not say much about this APC style because I know that as sure as the night will come, it will definitely explode in their faces and when that time comes, we will finally get the true democracy that we deserve and yearn for. As for Kayode, he luckily got his job back and has sworn to keep a long distance from this APC brand of Politics. Thank God he did not lose his life. Only in Nigeria. Na wa.

Gabriel Ogbechie: Congratulations, My Brother
Yes I can call Gabriel my friend after all who will not want to align with someone who would soon make the Forbes list. Last Friday, he celebrated the 20th anniversary of his mega oil and gas business, Rainoil, which he runs with his delectable wife, Godrey who owes me a lunch. The party held at the Eko Hotel and the invite was precise, ‘confirm you are attending so I can put you on the guest list’. I knew like everything Gabriel, that this would be a very powerful event so I had to look my best. I got myself sweet-looking Gucci half shoes which cost me an arm and a leg and which I had promised the seller to pay at the end of the month. I came out in a particularly luxurious dark caftan and with my Gucci half shoes you would think I was the Duke of Edinburgh instead of the Duke of Shomolu. My people as I drove into the expansive compound, rain started falling heavily. At this point I was confused. How would I get the shoes I had not even paid for spoilt by rain, what kind devil work is this na? But trust my Shomolu sense, I quickly removed the shoes and put them in my pockets and dashed the 100 metres to the venue. Yes o, I never pay for the shoe so I would not take chances. The hall was magnificent and full. The stage was something else and could give the Kodak theatre in Los Angeles a run for its money. Bovi the popular comedian was the compere and the event was elegant and splendid. The food was luxurious and Gabriel looked like a million dollars. But the star of the night was Godrey, when she was called up on stage with her sequined gown to present an award, she looked like the Mona Lisa. The woman still fine o, no wonder Gabriel put CCTV for her office to make sure no intruders go near his own jewel of inestimable value. Well, it was a wonderful celebration and ode to hard-working, diligence and passion. Well done, my brother and please do not rest until you get Rainoil listed on the Stock Exchange and that is where I come in, you know that is my work and the sole reason for all these hailings o. Well done and God bless.

….And Dapo Abiodun Too
At the beginning of this year, I made a list of billionaires I had to make friends with. I drew up a small list of 10 and Mr. Abiodun was number five on that list. The reason for this is quite simple, I am just tired of poverty. Enough of the hoping and crusading for a better Nigeria, it is time now to hobnob my way to fulfillment. So when my chairman and man of great style, Chike Ogeah mentioned the opening of Mr Abiodun’s latest initiative in Ikoyi, I jumped. He was opening a posh and extremely exclusive members’ only lounge tucked right in the middle of old Ikoyi. The lounge according to what I heard was meant to be a watering hole for the hard-working man of style further giving them a platform for networking while relaxing and a clear buffer from the hustle and bustle that is Lagos. The night was exquisitely appointed and the ambience was simply not describable. You can now begin to imagine what the food tasted like. I saw everybody o. People you see on the pages of the glamour magazines all hobnobbing and feeling relaxed. Mr Abiodun himself must have been styled by Tom Ford as I could not even begin to imagine how he came about the combination especially that white sneakers he was putting on. I felt like sucker-punching him and pulling the shoes right there and then, while making my escape to Shomolu. I was introduced to him and even as I shook his hands I could feel the energy and quickly muttered in my mind, ‘I claim it’ hoping that the wealth and good fortune would pass through by this mere handshake. If wishes were horses… Well I had a nice time and drove quietly back to Shomolu with a lot of things on my mind. But is it Dapo’s fault that I had to push my car down the Third Mainland bridge? No mind me jare my brother, you are a great guy, what do I have to do to get membership though?

Politicians and Boxers
This is a season of politicians squaring to boxers in the ring. For whatever reasons, our politicians have decided to take their wahala to the boxing ring. First it was the Jagaban who took to the ring against the former world heavyweight champion, Evander Holyfield and now I am hearing that the Speaker of the House of Representatives Hon. Dogara is planning to square off against the money man himself, Floyd Mayweather. You see much as I do not have anything against these caricatures, my only wish was that I could turn into a spirit and enter the minds of these boxers while in the ring and really do what all Nigerians wish for our politicians. You can imagine the spirit of the man who has lost his job, cannot feed his family and has had his tiny kiosk demolished at Sabo market entering the body and mind of Evander while in the ring with the Jagaban. Na another thing we go dey talk today o. He no go be charity match again o. Or the spirit of that parent who just lost a child due to the rubbish we call our health system entering Floyd’s body and mind while Dogara with his tiny legs is prancing and jumping around the ring. I swear we will not recognise our speaker again o. While we are still at it, let me mention a few politicians we would not mind to have in the ring with their partners. Can you imagine a Fayose with Lai Mohammed? That would be a top draw or Dino Malaye versus the SaharaReporters’ publisher, Sowore? That would also be very exciting. However, the major crowd-puller will be Patience Jonathan versus Magu of EFCC. Me, I no dey there o. Kai.

Osinbajo’s Appointments: A Journey Through Nepotism, Ethnicity and Religious Intolerance
I snicker as I write this headline. I am sure as Osinbajo and his people are reading this headline, they would be preparing just how they will manhandle me. They should just calm down abeg, this is in their support. I have been reading all the hullabaloo about how the acting president’s appointments are reflecting a leaning towards his church and kinsmen. To further buttress this position, one ghost wrote a massively circulated piece hanging out the acting president to dry out. You see for me, I only wished the acting president was guilty of these accusations. You see I have never supported that Federal Character thing for it institutionalises incompetence and sectionalism while sacrificing merit. I have looked at some recent appointments and smiled with joy that finally we are looking towards merit in doing these things. The case of Funsho Doherty gladdens the heart. Funsho is a legend in the pensions industry and has much more to offer than the next person especially as we look towards the trillions stashed in that place to bail us out of this crippling recession. So where he comes from should never be the consideration but the capacity he would be bringing to bare on the job. This zoning thing or what Bode George was reported to have called turn by turn is what is killing us in this country. If the acting president can only find good hands in his church abeg, he should go ahead, it is the result that should matter and not where you come from. We need to move forward very quickly and away from all this shallow thinking. So my dear acting president, please pick your men not from the land of their birth but from the depth of their abilities and convictions. Meanwhile, kindly do not forget that we are of the same church, just mentioning sir.