IPOB: Please Leave Akwa Ibom Alone

I really do not want to believe the authenticity of the proposed Biafra map. In one of their numerous statements, I have seen that they have corralled my homeland into the proposed Biafra enclave asking us to join the so-called sit-at-home protest that has been called. You see, this if true is not accidental, after all it was our kinsman who waited after the Biafra super hero and lord of the flies flew off to Ivory Coast after the 30-month fratricide that saw millions starve and lose their lives. Maybe that is why this latter-day dreamers feel that it is their right to just ‘command’ us to join this their one-legged campaign.

Let me state here categorically that no Akwa Ibom man, dead or alive is in the least interested in this your Biafra Project, so please leave us alone to continue our suffering in this our one Nigeria. We are content with our minority status and would continue to provide the Nigerian people with our delicacies and goodwill if nothing else. How for heaven’s sake do you sit in your fathers’ living rooms and draw up a map without even consulting with the people you are trying to take out of a whole country. You see why I have always felt that this so-called Biafra push is a mere distraction at best and a comic turn of events at the worst and should not be taken seriously by any right-thinking Nigerian. Nigeria stands a much better chance of providing the very best in human life to its citizens as one solid country once we get leadership right. I keep saying it and nobody especially these Igbo Jews seems to be listening that the issue is not in separation but in bad and ineffective leadership which cuts across the whole country not leaving out any region. So my dear Biafra agitators, please leave us alone o, we are really not interested. Thank you for the concern. We are happy where we are even as we wish you well in your mission.

President Goodluck Jonathan: This cannot be True Sir
They say you want to come back in 2019 to the presidency. My lord, I really, for your own sake, hope that this story is not true. Come back how and as what. I really hope that if at all, you would be trying for the chairmanship of Otuoke Local Government and not the presidency. We are still grappling with the fallout of your unplanned sojourn in power and as such would not be able to withstand another foray. I tell you this time, we will have no country left to even pick the pieces from. You see, to date I remain one of your loyal supporters hence this my stance. I will tell you the truth, we are not really interested in another Jonathan journey; you have tried, just rest. At least you gave us the most exciting First Lady in our history; you gave us Deziani, you gave us the bowler hat and by the way, let’s hope it’s not one of the bowler hats you forgot in Aso Rock you want to go back to collect. Oga, we have moved on and would really not be held back by this attempt at crass insensitivity. My advice is for you to take up an appointment at that university near your hometown and join in the quest to breed new leaders. Yes, I think you would be of more value to the nation in that capacity, instead of meddling in state matters you really do not have an inkling as to their workings. Don’t vex sir, I seem to be harsh on you in this write-up, it is just that I am in a bad mood, I have been consigned to the couch again and kicked out of the other room by my madam which has made me cranky, hence my tone in this write-up. No vex . Come back ke, please don’t let me laugh o, leave me in this my state o.

Donald Duke: You have My Support
This charming fellow has continued to intrigue me. I have just read it somewhere that he could still be interested in the presidency. Now we are talking; these are the kind of people we should be propping up instead of some dragons I won’t mention their names. As the only governor who deemed it fit to feed me at the State House while he was in power, I remain loyal till the day I die. Yes o, it is true when he was the governor of Cross River, my forever mentor Albert Okumagba, had taken me for a meeting with him in the build-up to the construction of the Tinapa Resort. After the meeting, while Albert flew off to only God knows where, the rest of us stayed back and we were treated to a sumptuous meal by His Excellency. You see how we have to be careful in what we do. If Duke had not fed me that night, I will not be writing this piece today. The food was well made o. It was pounded yam and afang with all sorts of delicacies inside the soup served with a chilled bottle of red wine. That time there were no selfies, I would have taken one for posterity.  As I ate, I swore that day that should this man ever decide to run for president, I would be the first to join the train. You see as a man of my word, I will keep that vow I made almost 15  years ago in far away Calabar while swallowing a large morsel of pounded yam. Donald Duke for 2019. You see what food can do? See my life.

Kate Henshaw: Will You Marry Me?
Yes and I am not drunk. I want to use this page to propose to this delectable beauty and if she won’t mind I want to make her the Duchess of Shomolu. That position has been vacant ever since I was kicked out of the other room and denied my constitutionally enshrined conjugal rights. After suffering like Mandela in the wilderness of celibacy for over five years, I have decided to lift the sanctions on myself by proposing to this wonderful damsel. Kai, I ran into her last week at my friend, Segun Akande’s book launch somewhere in Ikoyi. The woman fine no be small. As I watched her from a safe distance I could feel myself falling in love with her. Her lovely brown skin, her gait and more important, her intellect. She stood there discussing issues both political and creative and as she spoke, all I could see was her in my house as my latest wife. I walked up to her and asked for a hug and she obliged me and at that time I felt like Obanikoro after Tinubu must have forgiven him and taken him back into the fold. So here goes my dear Ms. Henshaw would you like to be the next Duchess of Shomolu bearing in mind that this particular title is immune from probe by any State House of Assembly? It also has no tenure limit and also grants you immunity from EFCC, DSS and Federal Road Safety corps? Please just say yes and before the President comes back o .

Eugene Anenih: An Ode
Eugene was my friend. We were stockbrokers and qualified in the same class. He was quiet but very effective as he ran one of the most efficient stockbroking houses. He never had any airs and did all he could to hide his true identity. Look when people pass, mourners say all the good things about the person since in our culture we do not say evil about the dead. But in this case, Eugene truly deserved all that has been said about him. Just last year I invited him to join a consortium that we had set up to bid for a bank AMCON wanted to sell. His inputs at meetings were very constructive and his discipline and integrity were all out there for the rest of us to see and emulate. He did not mind that he was a big fish as he gladly came to all our meetings in our tiny office at Jide Oki and would eat local rice without fish or meat which was my speciality at the time. The news of his passing was shocking, although I had not really seen him since we failed in the bid, we still spoke once in a while and I had no inkling that this man had any plans to leave this earth. But what can we say. We cannot argue with Jehovah; he has taken his son. What we can only do is to pray to God to continue to give his family the strength and courage to bear this irreplaceable loss and to the rest of us his friends to continue with his good works keeping his vision alive. Adieu my good friend.

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