Isiaka Adeleke : A Sad Homily

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Loud Whispers

You know news of a death is devastating and this one is one of the most devastating. Although I never had the fortune of meeting this colorful personality physically, I followed his politics with a keen eye. What first caught my attention were his unique dress style and his several attempts at coming back to the number one seat in Osun. I watched closely as he did everything within his powers to achieve what he perceived was his rightful position in the state.  Sadly, until his untimely demise, he never really achieved that dream. His death has however shown that despite not regaining power in Osun, he was truly very well loved by his people. His death has thrown the state into a serious tension with his people showing different levels of love as they mourn his death. I also mourn his death and wish his family and his teeming supporters my wholesome sympathy at this time. His death is really painful especially if you consider the fact that he has left us in his prime and at the point of his reemergence. He it was who ran around with the moniker ‘serubawon’. I remember very perfectly. Kai, so sad. My brother all I can say for now is for you to sleep well. Pele. God will keep you in his bosom. It is over.

Nnamdi Kanu : Please Don’t do a Mandela
When I read of the bail and its conditions, I was kind of relieved. You see, I like this Kanu guy not because I like his politics or what he stands for but for his sartorial style. I look forward to his court appearances just to see his attire and of recent he has started putting a white shawl over his well-sewn clothes and his gray, well-trimmed beard gives him an aristocratic mien. But that is where it ends for me. His senseless agitation for the balkanisation of the country is so childish that if not for the seriousness of the matter one could laugh so much. He and his cohorts have failed to realise that over 30 years since the civil war, the social fabric of the country has undergone some very strong intermingling such that a vacuous political declaration like the one he is championing will do nothing to unravel it. As a student of political science, yes o, I read Political Science at the University of Ibadan. Small, I for get third class, but I try small and unlike our singing senator, stayed only four years in looking at the Nigerian construct. I have seen that politically and socially, this country is a natural construct and that our amalgamation in 1914 was just a physical manifestation of a societal process that was already evolving over decades. So for one well-dressed and almost good-looking young man, to now want to deconstruct that for whatever reasons will at least annoy strong patriots like myself. My brother, you see the issue is leadership and not separation. When our leaders fail at the power-sharing table, they fall on ethnicity to cry foul. Ohh, it’s because we are Igbo. It is because, we are Ibibio, it is because we are not northerners. But when power falls on their laps, what do they do for the people? Nothing, except stealing and pillaging public funds. So my brother, look at the conditions of bail very carefully, the one you will beg for waiver especially the one that says you cannot stay in a group of more than 10 people, you beg to amend or how will you be watching premiership, if you are not with your fans. So Eyinna, Biko collect your bail and quietly go home for a comprehensive medical check-up, make sure everything is ok and quietly go into the sunset so that we can concentrate on rebuilding a stronger and virile Nigeria for our children. You have tried. You are a good man but your politics is wrong. I really do like you. If you don’t mind can you send your tailor’s numbers?

That  Osinbajo Panel: My Advice to Ayo Oke
I hope this my egbon has not already faced the Osinbajo panel set up by the federal government to look critically at the issues surrounding and relating to the huge pile of dollars found in Ikoyi. If he has already faced it, then my advice would have been belated but you know how these things are, I am sure he would be invited over again so I can still send my advice to him. Baba, do not be afraid, Osinbajo is only a man, he can only ask questions and will not flog you. I have his firm assurances on that. Just stand in front of him and make sure you put your hands behind you at all times, so that you do not annoy him. Another thing you will have to do, is to try and stand on one foot, preferably your left foot with the right one hanging in the air.  With this, he  would have no choice but to believe everything you say. Do not wear any undies both boxers and singlets. This is to allow you to breath easily. We do not want you to faint during proceedings. Read Psalm 21, I really cannot remember what it says but that was what my mother told me to read when I was headed towards my Oga Chuka when I wanted salary increase. It did not work as the great Igbo son looked at me with one eye and said in Igbo ‘mba’. It may work for you, you never can tell or what do we lose? Do not cry, do not panic and when talking, talk towards Osinbajo’s left eye, he is kinder from that perspective. Please and please do not wear a dark suit or any dark clothing. Come in full white, that is the colour of purity, it screams I am innocent. Let the white be complete up to the stocks and shoes. You must stand in front of the panel like the Maharaji. Also try to lose the tummy, it shows that just maybe you have been working for yourself and not the people. Do not worry, the most important thing is that at least the money was found and not how it got there. We are all very grateful and happy as you can see the naira is gaining control at the markets and this would stand in your favour so do not worry, everything will be ok. The Vice President is a kind man, I know that personally so you really have nothing to fear. Lastly, make sure you recite the pledge before and after you answer any question, this would make you look very patriotic and if you do not remember the pledge like I suspect, quickly ask your maiguard. God will protect you . It is well my egbon.

Rev. Matthew Kukah : Leave Him Alone o
My favourite Catholic priest has come under severe fire recently especially on his position regarding the anti-corruption battle. Some have even said that he is now the poster boy as corruption fights back. The Archbishop of Sokoto has in the news, spewing all sorts of fire each time the EFCC discovered loads of cash. I was in a group discussion recently where almost all of the speakers unleashed on him invectives that I began to pity him. I think we should not take him too seriously or send harsh missives to him on his positions on national issues. The kind Reverend is kind of bored in far away Sokoto or how else would you expect such a gentleman to carry out his duties in the very seat of the caliphate? The work there is not too hectic and allows for time to do other things like talking about issues you really do not know anything about. So I use this opportunity to beg the boys, Ejiro, Dapo and Etim to cool down for the Reverend Father otherwise your next confessions would be taped and sent to your wives. Chikena.

Shout Out to the Presido and MyNew Friends
It all started like a funny dream. But it was a reality and before you realised it, the comedy of errors was a real life thriller. Anyway, the whole thing afforded me an opportunity to meet and make new friends who are now my brothers. Presido Yusuf, Gozie, Uduak, The Doc, Emeka all great guys. I really love these guys, spent about 48 hours with them and their love and sincerity weakened me. Never knew that there could be so much love in this country. You guys have shown me what only a birth mother could show. Hold on, keep hope alive and we will remain strong. Great guys. I remain with you in spirit. Thank you for everything and God bless you all.