Dino Melaye : Let No Man Touch


Loud Whispers

How would someone for the life of me, attempt to assassinate a graduate of geography. This is preposterous, a country is suffering from the scarcity of egg heads and then some funny people are now planning to reduce further the numbers by the brazen attempt on the life of a full graduate from the prestigious Ahmadu Bello University. I thank God this did not succeed o or what would we have done with the academic gown we so gleefully wore to the Senate some few weeks ago. The sad news got to me while I was in the other room and immediately, I placed a call to the Vice Chancellor in a bid to ensure that the story I was hearing was not true. Nothing and I repeat nothing must happen to the most famous alumnus of the institution. Thankfully, the Vice Chancellor confirmed that our principal escaped unhurt and would only in a few days launch a massive social campaign tagged #meettherealDino.

Me I know the real Dino and do not have to wait for the campaign to meet the real man. He is a powerfully connected man, a world scholar with seven degrees and a well-known musician whose latest single blew up the internet. Those who are planning his demise will do Nigeria a great disservice and I must warn them to desist and join hands in the movement that should see our oga aim for the Presidency come 2019. Abi all these disturbance cannot be for nothing. But on a more serious note, if this assassination attempt is for real, then we must start to look very seriously at the wantonness that comes with the game of politics. The human life is sacred and must be respected and handled with dignity. Nothing justifies a loss of life and as such all lives must be protected and the Government retains that sole responsibility of protecting life and property as per the social contract signed with the people. So to the would-be assassins, I give you all seven days notice, to send a written apology to the Senate stating very clearly your resolve to desist from such nefarious acts failure which……………

The Ikoyi Money: I Know the Owner
Me, the Duke of Shomolu will hear of $43million with no owner and I will not carry my big head into the matter? I have made my investigations and have reached a logical conclusion as to the true owner of the slush fund found between the walls and bathroom of this luxurious apartment. I will state who the real owner is at the end of this write-up, but before I do that, let me request the authorities please not to pay the full reward to this particular whistle-blower simply because he did not finish his job. He blew the whistle and told us the location but failed to tell us the owner which I must say is the most critical. This is not proper whistle-blowing and against the thick of the new profession. By the way, we are forming the Chartered Institute of Whistle-blowing in Shomolu and would soon be approaching the Senate for legal backing. Our founding fathers will include Andrew Yakubu and a slew of prominent Nigerians who have made their mark. Once that is done, guidelines will be published and the profession will be better regulated. So all this finding money everywhere without ownership will cease. We will now have licensed whistle-blowers who will work perfectly according to the guidelines and who will be exposed to sanctions should they flinch.
Back to the story of the day. I visited the Ikoyi apartment and met all sorts of security apparatus combing the place all in a bid to unravel the mystery that is the ownership of the money. I just looked at them with their funny suits and laughed. All these agents would be our first students in the institute when we are inaugurated by the President later in the year. I went about my own investigation, interviewing 16 maiguards on the street, 12 drivers and 14 cigarette sellers. The investigation was robust and incisive also involving 15 house helps who at one time or the other served in the building. This is how we get information. I sampled 42 university girls and 80 club girls. I finally drilled down to the very light complexioned ladies who happened to be very popular with our politicos. I spent more time with the house maids and what I discovered will be released in my biography which should be coming out after Magu’s confirmation.
Well, my people, let me spare you the procedures and processes which I had to deploy as the first fully registered chartered whistle-blower and unveil the result of my findings. The owner of the $43million found in the Ikoyi apartment otherwise known as the Osborne Towers is no other than the UNKNOWN SOLDIER. Yes, the same one who burnt down the Kalakuta Republic and threw Fela’s mother down the balcony. The one Fela sang about, ‘unknown soldier, na him do am…………..’ Make una no kill me for this country, Abeg.

Rev. King : A Last-Minute Plea
I want to register this last-minute plea for clemency for Reverend King. It has been announced that the Lagos State Government may have approved his execution with those of his co-travellers. My plea is based on my conviction that nobody deserves to die no matter what. So I send my plea for a possible commuting of his sentence so that he can live and be a champion of social change. This is not to say that he is not guilty as determined by the judicial process at the highest level but my plea is on strong compassionate grounds. Na beg.

Isale Eko : You Missed
If you were not at the Muson centre, the venue of the just-concluded play , Isale Eko, you missed. Ask Chike Ogeah who came with his lovely wife. I saw him whisper into her lovely ear that he was the one who gave me the idea. Her lovely eyes brightened up and she hugged him thanking God that she married such a gifted man. The play was that explosive as the stage lit up in an energetic display of rapt performance. The story, if you permit me, was well woven. The dance was spasmodic and the costumes were off the rack. The play would not have seen the light of day if the Executive Governor of Lagos, my lord, Mr. Akinwunmi Ambode, and my new found uncle, Ken Etete had not stepped in. They were the muscle that brought this play which celebrated Lagos and drew a crowd of about 4,000 people and reached over 6 million views on social media. It also drew some very great people, like Mr. Gabriela Ogbechie and his lovely wife. I saw him too tell his wife that he also contributed some idea to the making of the play and his wife also jumped up and hugged him. These people sef, na wa but that was the magic of Isale Eko. The Deputy Speaker of Lagos State House of Assembly Hon. Eshilokun whose family pedigree was on stage was present. He was accompanied by the Acting Commissioner of the Lagos State Ministry of Art and Culture, who also played a pivotal role in getting the Lagos State Government’s support. It was a mad experience; people sat glued to the stage as the spectacle unfolded. Patrick Dolye as the Oba of Benin simply killed me. With his trousers protruding under his costume annoying me, he still gave the kind of performance legends are made of.  The climax was the petite bombshell and personal love, Yinka Davies. I had designed this production with her in mind. She is so gifted that you cannot help but be mesmerised. She closed the last show with a stupendous performance which saw me rolling all over the stage like someone with epilepsy. She drew tears from my eyes as she grabbed the microphone and belted the song with the voice of an angel close to Jehovah God. I wept, I peed, I screamed, I crawled, I begged for more. I saw my daughter, Chantal, on stage wondering if she needed to cover her papa with a blanket to stop this embarrassment, but at that time I did not have a care in the world. I had fulfilled one of my life’s wishes which was to have Yinka Davies sing in my production and people, she sang.
Isale Eko is off to the UK year-end and would be up again next Easter. Let me thank the following people and corporate bodies for their support: Prince Adesegun Oniru, Elixir investments, Zenith Bank, Stanbic IBTC, GTB, BOI, LIRS and a host of others too many to mention.