You see, the madness that has enveloped the world this year has crept into my house. This year we have seen Brexit, the rise of Donald Trump, the fiasco in The Gambia and now President Buhari Muhammadu against all odds won the most coveted award of the year which is the Loud Whispers Person of the Year Award.
This award is given once a year and its recipient is voted for by my readers via SMS to my phone. Readers choose who I will yab for the last article of the year. Last year, it was Asiwaju Bola Tinubu who was then emerging from the surprise victory of this year’s recipient at the polls where Dr. Goodluck Jonathan, the shoeless wonder was roundly defeated.
Nominations this year had come out following feedback from readers, and immediately I knew I could be facing trouble. Nominees were Tony Elumelu , the UBA Chairman who throughout this year has had what you want to call an overexposure following his tireless trudge around the world, preaching his own brand of entrepreneurship. The other nominees included, Mrs Bolanle Austin Peters, my favourite sister, who this year also exported the Nigerian musical and co-produced the massively influential movie on Ebola, ‘93’, which received major international accolades and finally Dr Bukola Saraki came in as the last nominee for his wonderful turn from pariah to the most influential political person.
My money and guts were on Bolanle Austen Peters to win. You see, Bolanle is my sister, I can yab her anyhow I like and pata pata she will just block my number and cancel the free food order I usually get at her restaurant, Tera Kulture in VI. The others could do massive damage to me should any of my yabis hit the wrong chord. So I went into a series of fasting and prayers and at the end of it all, I got a message from heaven. The message said I should go and read Revelations 21vs 6. That Bible portion says, ‘It is done……..’ I was so happy that Bolanle would win.
But as the votes started coming in, President Buhari started gaining traction. His lead was so far out that I started wondering if I read the correct Bible portion. Why do people want me to yab President Buhari? Don’t these people know the kind of situation they want to put me into? I cannot yab President Buhari at all. What if he does not like it and send that his social media boy after me? That Tolu Ogunlesi to come and do to me what he did to Barde after seeing stripper poles in his house and sending it out on social media. The things he will see locked up in my store will lead to the breaking of my head by my wife, let alone Nigerians.
So I decided to do the next best thing. I put in a call to President Jammeh in The Gambia asking for advice on how to scuttle the elections. He said he was still learning the ropes as I could see, he was not doing it well. And that I should try IBB who successfully scuttled June 12. IBB did not take my calls but was gracious enough to send me a message that he was in retirement that I should try somewhere else or that I should go read any of the many books written on him by his many disciples. I was left to my own devices. So I started voting for Bolanle myself. Called my family and friends, begging them to vote for Bolanle and even called Bolanle herself, begging her to vote for herself while also asking her staff, friends and family to vote for her so that she would win. She bluntly refused and even offered me money not to let her win. Kai, trouble. By this time, Buhari was already leading by over 80 per cent of the votes with Tony Elumelu coming a distant second.
You would begin to wonder why I was going through all this stress to rig this election. You see, I am a man of integrity – very high integrity, ask the founder of MMM and he will tell you. I knew within myself that I would respect the outcome of the elections and yab to pieces whoever emerged as the winner, hence my decision to rig and distort the electoral process before the results started coming in. I even refused to deliberately count some votes. I cancelled votes from Biafra sympathisers, Supreme Court judges, Ekiti people, Asiwaju’s neighbours, EFCC detainees but still, the President emerged as the winner of this year’s Loud Whispers Person of the year and so I am morally bound to yab him, respecting the wishes of the people in their votes which were freely given.
So here goes. My lord, President Muhammadu Buhari , let me first apologise before I embark on this tortuous journey to Golgotha and may I seek your indulgence in remaining very patient and calm as you read just like you were when Orubebe was shouting during the counting of your votes.
You see, you may not know me, but I know you very well. Long before your first appearance as our military Head of State and your present incarnation as our civilian President of ‘Change’, I was a young, small boy at the Command Secondary School in Ipaja when you visited in your capacity as Director of something at the Army. Long before your visit, we were made to undergo what we used to call compulsory labour which involved cleaning up the compound and cutting all the grasses so that you would not lose your temper when you appeared. We slaved away for two weeks, suffering and crying with blisters on our tiny palms so that you would be happy and smile at us. Your visit lasted only five minutes and we were all very angry with you. So all this suffering for just five minutes? We did not like you at all o. The fact that you looked very handsome in your well starched military fatigue did nothing to change our dislike of you. Till today at our reunion we still remember that day almost 30 years ago and shake our heads and that is why most of us have not been voting for you o.
However, today you are our Commander-in-Chief and President so we do not have any choice but to remain loyal and wish you the very best. Sir, since you emerged as President after a long-fought battle, by the way, hope you remember to send end-of-year chicken to President Jonathan who did not pull a Jammeh on you – things have been going one kind. I am constrained to advise you on very important matters of state, if you will take my advice.
Sir, I feel that you must quickly do something about your cabinet. I will not name names but my strong feeling is that you should start thinking of people like Ayo Fayose, Nnamdi Kanu, Musiliu Obanikoro, Rueben Abati and Femi Fani Kayode as likely replacement for some people in your team especially that red beret-wearing Cuban. Sir, these people are true patriots who even had the sound mind of snapping themselves a selfie while in detention and sending it out on social media. Hope you know what a selfie is sir. A selfie is… Sir, this present cabinet as presently constituted cannot even defeat the super Falcons in a football match.
I have watched very closely how you have diffused some very sensitive matters that would have disrupted the national equilibrium. The issue of your madam’s BBC interview was a classic and that quip of the ‘other room’ will remain immortalised in the minds of the world. That statement warmed me up towards you and I began to consider forgiving you and may be fighting my command old students to grant you amnesty. After all, Mandela was freed after 27 years so why can’t we forgive you. Our President of Command Old School union is Olumide Lala and I will discuss this matter with him only if you do something about the Cuban in your cabinet.
Another issue that touched me during the year is the issue of the economy. Sir, it is bad, I cannot lie. Today, I tried to buy hair attachment for (you know who) and the price had gone up tremendously. Everything is up although the good thing is that the current inflationary trend is keeping errant men at home but still leading to situations there since they can no longer afford a basic standard of living. Let us do something in the New Year and I tell you this award you are winning today will give you a strong moral platform to fight for the common man. This is our mandate to you: fight for the economy squarely and nothing else in the New Year. Inflation is now hovering above 18 per cent, unemployment is at a record rate, the Naira is on a free fall and there is despair in the land. I am sure you know all of these and I am also very sure that you have very good intention of tackling the situation but you can only do this with the right team of advisers around you. Hence, I am hoping for a cabinet reshuffle.
Let me use this opportunity to address the issue of Biafra. You see, I am from Akwa Ibom, in the South-south. What that also means is that to get to my mother in Uyo, I must pass through the areas these people are planning to take out of Nigeria. If they succeed that would mean that I must get visa to go see my mother and that will be a calamity. You see sir, I do not joke with my mother’s afang soup as I travel there once a month for my portion. That is why the issue or non-issue of Biafra must be resolved once and for all. I think you made a tactical error by not attending that conference in Enugu. That would have given you the opportunity to speak directly to the people instead of through your officials who might have lost credibility in the eyes of the long-suffering people, thereby giving people like Nnamdi Akanmu and his henchmen undeserved credibility. My thinking is to make a quick tour of the South-east, going beyond the state houses that litter the lands and houses overfed Machiavellians. The hotspots that make up the Onitsha and Aba markets should be your points of call. Go, touch and feel the people directly. My brother, Charly Boy will guide you and then you will feel the direct pulse of the people and you will be able to better understand their issues, thereby taking the wind out of the sails of the separationists. Remember, you said in 1983 that we must all salvage Nigeria together abi you don forget?
By the way, what really is the true state of your relationship with the Asiwaju? Is there a real fight or not? We need to know so that we know how we can intervene. Today, he is not attending very important state and party events, tomorrow we are getting reports that everything is ok. If everything is not ok, let us know. Me I know how to tackle the Asiwaju. Ask him, he does not joke with me. Truth is that as we move towards 2019, you will need him o. Do not get carried away by eaglet political mercenaries who believe because they have delivered Ondo they now have the magic wand.
You see, the Asiwaju is what in Shomolu we call ‘iwin’. He no dey die, he no dey lose influence, ‘he dey kampe’ as Obasanjo will say. You will ignore him at your peril. I am sure with your political sagacity you will understand what I am trying to say. If there is a problem mend it NOW. Send him two baskets of ‘orogbo’ with Schnapps and that is all. The Asiwaju is a loyal and a strong soldier. You will need him come 2019 that is if you are gunning for a second term. But if you are not, do not worry, carry go.
So sir, let me congratulate you once again for this award. It is a grass-roots award which should galvanise you to greater heights. Before I close this citation, let me leave you with some of your wise sayings, ‘ I belong to all and no one’. Kai, that was awesome. You said that at your inauguration and some people’s eyes turned red o. It was at that point the whole world realised that Nigeria was now going to put a man on the moon. That quote could be equated to the John F. Kennedy one except for the accent, ‘ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for it’. Kai, baba you are wise o. Another one that killed me again was the ‘….my wife belongs in the kitchen and the other room’. That quote clearly delineated the role of our wives in modern day society. It was massive, when I told my wife, she locked me out of the ‘other room’ and kicked me to the couch. The woman no understand, the mistake I made is that like you, I should have made the statement in Germany not in Shomolu but no problem, that is a small sacrifice to make for the development of our country.
How will you get the plaque of this award? Should I send it by courier and to what address, or should I just give it to Ambode, I am seeing him at Olamide’s concert for onward delivery?
Thank you my lord, God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria and God bless us. Oya cue in the national Anthem.