The Story of Aisha Buhari

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I can imagine the level of anger that must have enveloped the usually very calm and extremely beautiful wife of our favorite President, Aisha Buhari. She must have just been about to sip her lovely evening green tea when her attention would have been drawn to the statement made by my dear friend from Ekiti. She looked at the write up, dropped the tea and immediately walked straight to the office of her darling who was at that time still very busy trying to understand what was happening with his Vice President who seemed to be growing more gray hairs these days. His Excellency was really not in the mood to listen to this latest distraction from the clown of Ekiti and as such asked his beautiful First Lady to just ignore.

She would however not have any of it, this was one provocation too much. This Amala eating and stew-loving person must be taught a lesson. He can not just continue to libel everybody all in the name of opposition politics. What exactly did madam do to warrant such an unprovoked attack from the Lord of Ekiti. Why would he drag her into this wahala, but why? So after carefully deciding what she needed to do, she locked herself in her room, charged her phone to the fullest not wanting the battery to die as she was sending her message through Twitter. She carefully looked at the phone, pointed it towards Ekiti making sure the message did not mistakenly go some where else, Googled the Ekiti henchman not even knowing what he looked like and his bald dark face came up and with a hiss, she fired the missiles. Kai, a ‘mad d……g…….’ and as she sent the message,she began to feel the relief that comes with the satisfaction of finally having your own say. The message not only got to Ekiti it landed and exploded all over the land and the effect left the Lord of Ekiti with a hunchback and tones of regret for trying to look for trouble in wrong places. Seriously, I personally think dragging the name of the First Lady into whatever is the problem between the Ekiti overlord and his many enemies is kinda low. I will not fight my Neighbour and start abusing his wife at the same time. I will face my adversary and give as good as it gets instead of trying to distract everybody by bringing in a spouse especially one as beautiful as madam. So let me declare it here that the enemy of the First Lady is my enemy and from today onward any weapon sharpened and aimed at the First Lady will fail. Madam, do not worry, I have the cure for rabbies.

Honourable Chike Ogeah, Brexit and the Nigerian Story
Honourable Chike Ogeah is my elder brother. He it was who first reached out to discuss the Brexit and I began to really believe that the world is truly coming to an end. Or how do you explain a Delta man’s wahala with the issue of Britain staying or leaving the European Union? Well, my Lord was very sad that day and in a very gentle voice and almost in tears proclaimed his worry for the Queen. He did not want anything to happen to the Queen. With this vote, he feared for the consequences that will befall Britain and the world by extension. As the day wore on, his fears were beginning to crystallise, the Pound fell to over a 30 year low, the rating agencies dropped Britains ratings and even Morgan Stanley announced it would be taking away 2,000 jobs. For me, my take in all of this is the respect for the will of the people, the institutionalisation of the people’s will climaxing in the announced resignation of the Prime Minister in less than 24 hours after it emerged that he had failed in reading the true minds of the British people. My people, in all these, nobody’s account was frozen, ballot boxes did not disappear, no court cases annulling or de annulling the results, no big god-father claiming that his political enemies where behind his loss in the referendum and no violence, no lives were lost, no cross-carpeting, no code of conduct tribunal trials and much more important, no claims of rigging or ballot box stuffing. This was political maturity at its best even where the results reflect a huge swath of ignorance about the workings of the global economic village the institutions still upheld the will of the people and as I write is working assiduously to making sure the decisions as carried by the referendum are implemented. Kai, what a country, God save the Queen.

Governor Ayodele Fayose : the Most Influential Nigerian Alive
Yes o. He is by far the most influential Nigerian alive today. Nigerians follow his every move with bated breath and huge excitement. We all go to bed wondering what next will Ayo be throwing at us and I am sure by the time his story would be turned into a movie it will be a major thriller. From his Chinese trip, to the raising of hunters to fight Fulani herdsmen, to his prediction of the mortality of the President during the elections down to the freezing of his accounts and his claim that the Bank had come to beg him, it has been a continuing rise of infamy. Today, I hear he has organised an anti-Buhari rally and may soon take his fight to the United Nations where he would most likely be seeking Buharis extradition to The Hague to join Charles Taylor for daring to freeze his account. But this our new Government no dey fear sha; a whole Lord of Ekiti, the only credible opposition left, the only man who has ever worn jeans to present his budget; the only one who fought Baba Obasanjo to a stand still. Got impeached and still came back on the platform of stomach infrastructure; the conqueror of Fulani herdsmen, the conqueror of APC, the Okada riders lover and the Prince of Magodo. Haaaa!!!! EFCC are in trouble, all their accounts too will be frozen; they will also come and kneel down and beg like the bankers and they will issue a letter of apology to be published in all national dailies in Zimbabwe apologising and promising never to dare the most high again.  We need a rally led by the Chief Judge of the Federation and all the APC Governors in tow and a delegation from Katsina to go and beg in Ekiti otherwise, let me just keep my mouth shut. All hail the the most influential Nigerian and we collectively say sorry for the incident, the account would soon be unfrozen salaries of the hunters need to be paid. Teheeeee!!!!

Governor Ikpeazu and the Banana Peel
Well, I refuse to say sorry to His Excellency because I had warned him. In my book of prophecy the one I had copied from Prophet Joshua, I had warned him to be careful of the banana peel in the State House. I had told him to be very prayerful and that he should embark on a three-week dry fast, staying off sex and eating only periwinkles and cold akanmu so that this tragedy which I have seen would pass him by. He ignored my warnings and even refused to receive the book I had sent to him and today see what has happened. I saw Tunde Fowler the other Sunday in Lagos and tried to bring up the matter since it concerned tax clearance. Tunde Fowler for those of you that do not know is the chief tax man of our country, hence my request for him to see what he can do to salvage the situation. Well, Tunde asked me to see him with His Excellency after the Ramadan. My Lord do not worry all hope is not lost, we can still get back our mandate if only you would listen to advise and instructions. Please come and see me at the Synagogue in Shomolu, we must immediately embark on serious prayers and fasting and this time, you must really stay off sex, do not go near any hijab-wearing person, avoid Governor Fayose, Saraki and Ekweremadu by all means so that our case will not be further complicated and finally confess all your sins including declaring  all of your assets again and vowing to feed all the widows for one year in Abia if you get your job back. Thus says the Lord.

Pope Francis : Apologise to Gay
You see wahala. You see why I only attend Catholic Churches for weddings and nothing else. The Pope says we should apologise to Gay people, me I do not understand this one o. Apologise to gays; that what, that it is correct and God prescribed to indulge in sodomy? Have we finished apologising to all the little children that have been sexually molested in this world? Have we finished apologising to all the women who have endured one form of sexual molestation or the other, including rape? Can’t Catholics do their own referendum and push for the removal of this very Pope before his is funny reforms lead to the Catholic Church getting their very first ever gay Pope? This gay thing is really funny even here in Nigeria, it is beginning to look like we that are not gay are not normal. We are witnessing the tyranny of the minority. Everywhere you turn now you see gay things as if it is the natural thing to do and when authorities like the Pope endorse it then it is over. The way we are going we would soon have our own first gay president in Aso Rock for if you see how Catholics reverence the Pope and the moral weight he carries, then you will not take this statement lightly. As for me, any gay waiting for my apology, na slap he go get. Apology my a……s, pun intended.

Loud whispers – The Magazine
Let me announce it here first that Loudwhispers the Magazine would soon hit the stands. For those of you who love the column and what it stands for, , the Magazine is another platform that would further tickle your need for satire, fun and light-hearted banter about Nigeria and the Nigerian spirit. It will be a 100-paged all gloss pull-out.  Spiced with caricatures and illustrations of stories that have continued to excite and annoy Nigerians. It will be by subscription only, meaning that you will not get it on the road sides or at your regular vendors stands. We have decided to design a unique distribution strategy which involves only light-skinned, tall, slim female distribution executives whose sole jobs is to wear very skimpy skirts and visit you in your offices, churches, and your father-in-laws house to get you to subscribe to this magazine. Let me invite you on this journey as it is once again another fulfillment of one of my major dreams. Thank you.