Dr. Joe Odumakin – Come to My Rescue


Let me first commend you for all the work you have been doing in protecting our women folk from savage beatings and untimely death. You have jumped into every klieg light that comes with every episode, defending the rights of our women, seeking justice for the hapless men who usually tremble and literally die from your voracious onslaught. God will bless you and keep giving you the strength and vigor to keep the flame and passion burning. After carefully researching this aspect of human and civil right crusading, I came to the conclusion that you may have chosen this path because it is the least confrontational. This branch limits your time in detention as it does not bring you face to face with authorities.

A very wise decision and one that would assist in keeping you quite healthy thereby guaranteeing long life and many more years of meritorious fight defending our ‘helpless’ womenfolk. My dear Joe- we are namesakes, I was just wondering if this your crusade also covers injustice meted out to our menfolk by your precious constituency. I have really not heard or seen you fight for our men or is that not part of your proclaimed mandate. The other day in the case of the woman who killed her husband in Ibadan, I noticed your tone was softer and instead of your usual cry for blood, you only asked for fair hearing. Fair hearing so that the justification for the heinous crime could be heard. Well it’s a pity that we men, do not have the kind of fighter that you are to push our case and fight for ‘fair hearing’. Well madam, let me quickly report myself before I act. My wife is looking for my trouble o. I have told her many times that she should not be going through my phone but she would not listen, conniving with the kids to fish out my phone every night from my boxer as I sleep. I don’t know what she is looking for. My phone is my private property whose privacy is enshrined in then constitution. The fact that she is my wife does not give her the right to trespass and start going through it. I am saying it now o, becuase the next time I find my rights violated I will react o and when I do, I would not want you rushing to my house with camera men to come and do what you know best which is to cry more than the victims. So I am giving you an opportunity to step in and stop this act before mayhem is let loose. Madam, basically what I am saying is that you and the rest of your troops are tackling only one side of the matter in  this domestic violence wahala. Stop for a minute and look at the other side too, the causative actions, the provocations and the lack of respect of constituted authorities by our so-called ‘weaker sex’. Kai, I don look for trouble.

Tuface, Baby Mamas and the Perfect Solution
Tuface, to me is the most courageous man that ever walked the face of this nation. Where others have failed he has stood very firmly. He has fathered children from as many women as he could possibly can. This to me gives him my utmost respect and a cold desire to replicate this feat. I have watched the way he has managed this ‘situation’ with the expertise of a Roman Emperor. When he finally chose to marry Annie we all clapped for him for standing firm in his resolve to stick with the one true love in the midst of so many true loves. So when this week, pictures of him with his other kids born by one of the baby mothers in America surfaced, I was really happy that someone could do this and still achieve peace. But my joy was short-lived as social media erupted with accusations and counter accusations from all stakeholders. The centre could no longer hold and the women plus their siblings have gone for each other’s throat not minding how this would affect the lives of seven children who had no input in the decision to bring them into this commune. Magbe wife has been accused of not letting him see his other children, they even said that the man used to hide to call his children and that he had not even seen the American based ones for two years. Well for me, the best advise that I can give him as a brother is to marry more. He should marry one more wife to join Annie and impregnate like another two. This will reduce tension and spread thin pressure as more combatants join the fray; they will start asking themselves what they are even fighting for. No wonder the man is so skinny. I really doubt if he can even stay in one place to eat and rest and if he is finding it difficult to complete the rounds, he can seek assistance. So my bro, remember my wise counsel, marry more.

Chief J.K Randle, my new best friend
I read his book, ‘The Godfather Never Sleeps’ In 1991 and was enthralled by the writing style, the prose and the satire was all very inspiring. I was hooked. I have heard and read so much about him so when the opportunity came to meet with him last week I grabbed it with two trembling hands. I met him in his sprawling office nestled within the sweet bowels of the Parkview Estate in Ikoyi. Bedecked in a brown double breasted suit with soothing grey hair and a gentle mien he came across as a well brought up upper class British gentleman. After our official meeting, I asked for another meeting which he obliged. I sat down at his feet to listen to the words of wisdom hoping that his words would further mould me into a respectable elder statesman when I eventually get to his age. He remains quite enigmatic and his love for this country remains palpable although his regrets at the way the nation is sliding into an abyss of wanton wastelands  leaves him empty with worry. I enjoyed my five minutes with him and look forward to more quality time with this gentleman of pristine pedigree.

Ben Bruce – this is not common sense
The tweet, the cry that he was snubbed? For a senator whose homeland is being ravished by the activities of a resurgent band of bigots; for a senator whose homeland is being bombed almost to extinction by a hungry Nigerian Army in search of economic saboteurs and brigands masquerading as freedom fighters to say the least is worrisome and doesn’t make sense to me. This senator has made legislation by Twitter glamorous. Everything he has to say or do is on Twitter and I wonder how this would drill down to the poor Bayelsans who voted for him to protect their interest and not worry about shaking the President’s hand. Abeg, we have more pressing issues in this country far more important than this perceived snub. Would the handshake have brought peace to the creeks of Bayelsa or muted the hyper inflation we are facing? I really do not blame him and his colleagues but I blame the President who should have had dinner with Mr Chido, the hapless Abuja trader who in a TV interview had cried out that prices of everything in the market except the cost of going to the toilet had gone up. I am tired of Senate by Twitter. We have real lives to save, get to work.

Foreign Airlines- going, going, gone…
As my old mother will say in Ibibio, ‘mbog’, let them go. Let them go o, let them stop flying. The years of the continuous bleeding of our country by this scavengers preying on the insatiable need for our people to fly is over. Air fares from Nigeria are usually the highest in the world. The Lagos-London route at some point was touted to be the most lucrative in the world, yet we are still being treated like second class citizens. We all need to stop the traveling, from the top to the school kid clamouring for summer vacations in exotic places. The $575m trapped and owned by them should be reinvested in the economy. They can build their training schools, spare parts hub and the rest creating employment and giving back to the country they have so mercilessly pillaged. I am happy o, any member of my family who is interested in summer vacation should prepare to head up to the rolling hills in Uyo or the vast sweet smelling streams that litter Shomolu. This is one aspect of the ‘change’ that we are experiencing that I am enjoying. British Airways when are you going? Can’t wait.

A little advice for Tompolo
Please just come out and surrender. This is a democratic government, I am very sure if you state your side of the matter in court you will win. Kindly save your people from all this needless suffering. The country cannot be held to ransom and will not bow to pressure no matter how many pipelines are blown up. I believe very strongly that you have a position and I am sure the courts would give you the opportunity and we will all rest. It’s just a plea as a fellow Niger Delta brother. We are tired of all the fight, war, violence and killing. Let’s have peace.