Jonathan: Please Go on Exile

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Loud Whispers

Me I am in total support of this move. Although my oga has come out to say that he is very far from seeking asylum but generally enjoying himself after the hectic job of running an ungrateful country for all these years. The only problem I will have with this move is his choice of exile destination. Why Côte d’Ivoire and not Brazil.why go to a country that just ended a terrible civil war almost ravished by Ebola with no great reputation for beautiful women. I am sure madam Patience had a lot to do with this decision otherwise why would such a handsome bowler hat wearing gentleman like President Jonathan choose to go to that country when beautiful places like South Africa, Miami and South of France are there waiting for his attention. It’s just as well that he has come out to say that he was just resting and would soon decide where he would be going to domicile. Since we have refused to appreciate his true worth by not appreciating the fact that during his time Nigerians had the best of times then we really do not deserve his continuous stay with us hence my believe that he should take his wisdom elsewhere. Yes na, see his achievements in power- Naira was stable at N150 to the dollar, fuel was N87, EFCC had no work to do, Nollywood Stars were constant visitors to Aso Rock, he prostrated to so many Pastors which in itself was unprecedented, he reintroduced the Bowler Hat to national costume, there were no Fulani Herdsmen, he begged Obasanjo too many times, a Nigerian won Big Brother Africa, militants became Pilots and lastly he gave us his wife – Madam Jonathan who became mother of the nation. So you see his frustrations that despite these achievements and much more, we still refused to put his face on the Naira or even erect a statue for him near the Gate of Aso rock. Abeg, we have gone on exile and will not return until proper recognition and respect is accorded this great Nigerian. That’s all.

Why I Support Fuel Price Hike
My people I am in full support of fuel price hike o. I just found out that my driver Ifeanyi had deregulated the price for me since he resumed work with me early last year. I have been buying fuel at N145 per litre without knowing. So all my fight against the deregulation was just an effort in stupid futility. How did I find out? Last Monday he called in sick so I gave him the day off. I drove myself to work and decided to buy fuel on my way. Now every Monday I give the man N10,000 to fill my tank and he will dutifully fill the tank with no change. Now don’t forget that this was at the old price of N87. So this Monday morning I now drove into the fuel station and gleefully asked them to sell N20,000 fuel for me, correctly calculating that since N10,000 used to fill my tank at the old price then N20,000 should do the same at the new price of N145. My people I received the shock of my life when after filling the tank, I saw N10,000 on the pump. I wanted to die. I asked them if their pump was alright or if the thing was not working well. They all simply just laughed at me. I brought out my calculator to do the Maths, it was then it dawned on me that my driver had carried out his own deregulation and adjusted the fuel price without consulting any relevant stakeholders. Can you imagine, I have been buying fuel at almost double the official price without even knowing. Where are these Fulani herdsmen when you need them. If he hadn’t taken the day off I would not have found out about this treasonable offense. I have sacked him and considering handing him over to the police for prosecution where I would be asking for capital punishment for such a heinous crime. My people you see why I have no choice but to support this price hike? How will I get a refund since I have not enjoyed this subsidy that we all have been enjoying as full citizens of this country. Kai, I’m in tears.

President Buhari, Why Now?
My Lord stood us up. All 20 million of us. He disappointed Lagosians by not showing after all the elaborate preparations but instead sent his VP Osibanjo who now came in his stead. Many reasons have been given for this sad event from ear infection,  fear of the world famous Lagos traffic to scarcity of aviation fuel. Whatever the case, me I was personally disappointed as  I was looking forward to the trip because of the fact that it would have given me the opportunity to once again meet with his Excellency to discuss amongst others our rejoinder to Dele Momodu’s latest article. Anyways, we would have other opportunities for this visit so we should not worry too much as I am very sure on His Excellency’s next international visit he will pass through Lagos either on his way out or on his way back, so my brother- Ambode just order your people not to destroy all the flags and posters they can just fold them and keep them in a safe place for future use. You know we cannot afford any wastage during this time of harsh economic difficulties.

NLC – Clowns on Parade
I rolled on the floor with laughter when I read the news report that the NLC had called off the strike. Strike? Which strike. Strike that was ignored by everybody to the point that the NLC people were on the road begging people not to go to work but were largely ignored. This to me is the final death knell of the NLC and its sad because the bastion of hope for the poor masses of Nigeria has finally been decimated by greed and shallowness. They failed to read the minds of Nigerians, blinded by their self importance swam against the tide of public opinion and had their cheap Ankara and starched khakis dragged on the mud of self pity. It is very clear that they no longer represent the interest of the people but their own selfish interests. In my book, they remain a critical reason this country is today financially broke. For if they had allowed this deregulation since the Obasanjo regime we would not be were we are today. They parlayed their ignorance of modern economic policies, ignored the stark reality on the ground and turned a blind eye to the obviously extremely corrupt subsidy regime so that they can feed their enlarged  egos at the expense of Nigerians. I thank God that today, they have been shown the door and with their tired heads bowed, they exit the national discourse into the infamy of a dark and lonely existence as a once virile body. A nest of clowns indeed. No pity here.

Ekiti State : Fulani Herdsmen in Trouble
I just saw a video of Governor Fayose proclaiming ‘jihad’ against Fulani Herdsmen. He has empowered all the hunters in Ekiti to hunt down and kill herdsmen. So my advise to people who have relations who are Fulani herdsmen to kindly warn them not to graze near Ekiti o. Governor Fatpyose seems to mean business as he has given the Executive Orders that the herdsmen who kill and rape their wives and mothers must also suffer the same fate. This if not carefully handled could lead to more mayhem and unnecessary killings on both sides. The only party that would be saved in all these would be the cows as they could be orphaned if Fayose carries out these threats. But seriously, does he have the powers to order civilians to take laws into their hands, what does this proclamation say about his faith regarding those institutions like the army and the other such bodies empowered to protect and ensure justice. My brother Fayose  once again is wrong and may have in his rush to continue to ingrain himself amongst the masses just given an illegal instruction which in my mind would further aggravate the situation while anihilating the parties from each other. So my candid advise to the Herdsmen is to avoid Ekiti for the meantime at least until the planting season when some of these Hunters would drop their Dane guns and go back into farming.

Sir Gabriel Ogbechie @50
This is my friend. He sent me a text asking if I would like to attend his 50th Birthday ceremony at the Intercontinental Hotel this Saturday. I immediately asked if I could come with my Akwa Ibom attire. The attire like those of you who are familiar with it, consist of a big white shirt and instead of a pair of trousers, you have a huge wrapper tied across the waist with either shots worn under to cover the national treasure. He laughed and said I could wear anything. My people, I’m appearing at the party with  my wrapper with no boxers under so that the warm cool breeze from the what used to be the Bar Beach can blow my bowels and making them warm to touch. Happy birthday my Lord and friend and may you continue to be a wonderful husband to Godrey whom by the way I must say continue to look very beautiful everyday.