Educational Psychological Consultant Warns Against Confusing Availability with Presence in Parenting
Raheem Akingbolu
Many Nigerian parents today are doing more than ever for their children — working from home, adjusting schedules, spending money on the best schools and extracurriculars. Yet the results are often troubling. Children are confused, emotionally wounded, and increasingly vulnerable to negative influences, despite the investment poured into their lives.
Coach Mary Okunloye, Executive Director of D’Marie Vivre Learning Hub and Educational Psychologist and Consultant, says the explanation lies in a dangerous misconception that has quietly taken root in modern parenting.
“We are confusing availability with presence,” she warns. “Being in the same house is not the same as being in your child’s life.”
Okunloye explains that the push for parents to be more involved has led many to embrace remote work and flexible schedules — developments that make them physically accessible but not necessarily emotionally engaged. A parent can be home all day, she notes, and still be completely disconnected from what their child is experiencing.
“You might ask questions but not truly listen to the answers. You might not even know what questions to ask,” she said. “That kind of passive availability is just as damaging as outright absence.”
According to the consultant, this disconnect creates a vacuum. Children who feel unseen and unheard will seek connection elsewhere — often in harmful places. It is, she argues, precisely why a child can live under the same roof as their parents and still fall in with the wrong crowd, develop screen addiction, or be negatively influenced beyond the home.
To address this, Okunloye advocates for three core principles of intentional parenting: intentionality, presence, and knowledge.
Intentionality, she explains, is the deliberate effort to seek the right tools and apply them with purpose — including knowing when and how to delegate aspects of a child’s development to schools, mentors, and coaches. Presence, she stresses, goes beyond physical proximity. It is structured, consistent engagement — active listening, nurturing a child’s spirit, instilling values, and providing discipline with both firmness and love.
Knowledge, she adds, is no longer optional. “Parenting, like any complex task, has a manual. Ignorance is no longer an excuse,” Okunloye said, pointing to the wealth of resources now available to parents willing to seek them out.
The consequences of getting this wrong, she says, are visible enough to be impossible to ignore. “The red flags are everywhere. We are seeing it play out in our children every day.”
Her message to parents is ultimately one of hope, not condemnation. “The goal is not just to be there for your children,” she said. “It is to be there with them.”
