Loud Whispers With JOSEPH EDGAR

Pat Utomi’s Shadowy Contraption

I really would not like to use the word ‘cowardly’ anywhere near this highly revered Professor of no mean intellect, but this his latest reported gambit is very close to that. Which one is Shadow Government again? This is what Yoruba people used to exclaim  “Ni bo la tun ja si ba yi.”

We see a hurtling moving train with no breaks and our response is a utopian-like structure – shadow government. I have not heard of anything this meaningless in a long time.

Prof has always been very utopian in his approach to politics, hence his not-too-brilliant outing. From failed presidential to gubernatorial attempts, it’s all been very dreary and grey and it is because of things like this.

Is it this Tinubu era that is not hearing word, or the hordes of failed politicians in his state – Delta people who are jumping ship up and down – that will now come and listen to this his shadow government?

Mbok, can someone please help me ask what’s the aim or objective of this shadow thing when we should be looking seriously at how we will emancipate ourselves from this kind of monarchy that we have found ourselves?

Abeg, let this oga allow us hear word abeg. Even in our tears, we should be crying with our eyes wide open and not be confused or misled with big big English and contraptions that are in effect very meaningless and of no use to us in this our present state.

 Thank you.

Akinwumi Adesina: The New Kid on the Block

Somebody has gone to sell a pipeline dream to this man and it’s looking like he has carried his bowtie and begun to believe the hype. For years, he has been vaunted as a possible presidential material because of all the bow ties he wears all over the world.

That was how he went to deliver a lecture at Bolaji Balogun’s Denham something company and was now comparing the per capita of Nigeria in 1960 to what it is today.

My people, the presidency just unleashed egbon Bayo on him and that one in his usual guerrilla tactics, scattered Adesina.

You see Uncle Bayo never fails in this his one style. Once anybody says anything about his principal, his inevitable response is to come at the personality and almost never at the issues being raised. This is bullying in every sense of the word and it looks like it is the only thing they teach them at that their APC training school.

Just try it, have any discussion with any APC-inclined person including my brother Niji and all you will get is an attack on your person and that’s it – Duke, when last did you bathe? Duke, your in-laws don’t like you, and I will shout how that relates to the fact that more people have been killed in Plateau State than in the Ukraine-Russian war.

Anyways, my brother Adesina, Nigeria politics is not for the bow tie, tea swigging and international circuit-galivanting technocrats. Have you seen Wike, Obasa, Melaye? That is where we are in Nigerian politics. Mbok, face your cocktail circuits and enjoy the coffee before they pour ewedu on your suits. Na advice.

Kemi Badenoch: pie in the Face

Ntoi. That is what I have for this very annoying person. If I was meeting her this morning, I would do a Dino Melaye for her. You know how Dino used to put his fingers on his face, pull down his lower eyelid and throw out his big tongue and say “ntoiiiiii.” That is what this lady deserves.

Upon emerging as the Conservative leader, instead of her to calm down and focus on improving her party’s lot, na to abuse Nigeria. Ohhhh Nigeria is smelly, policeman steal my papa shoe, armed robber came to our house and stole our towels. All sort o.

Now she has led her party to the worst electoral defeat of all time. Losing 600 seats and 15 councillors in the local election. For the first time, the Reform Party emerged as the main opposition.

If they even bring this one to come and lead APC, everybody will run back to PDP, I tell you. Now her people are looking at removing her and I am wondering what were they thinking of before.

I really do wish her well, if they remove her, she can come here and join the Labour Party and kuku help them bury the party. Those ones, I hear, have gone to suspend the only Governor that they have. Kemi should be their Chairman. Lol.

Dele Momodu: A Strong Voice of Opposition

It’s amazing how Ogbeni Momodu seems to be standing by his convictions. Everybody is running after amala and stomach infrastructure. Whole states are decamping and sitting governors are looking for planes to fly them to APC and in the midst of all of this, Mr. Momodu is standing by his conscience.

He must be seriously commended because it is not easy in this jungle. Sticking out your neck and standing by your convictions and saying it as it is, is really a lonely place to stand.

Funny enough, Mr. Momodu if he was going to sell his bowl of porridge would have benefitted far more than all these goons who are fluffing around the president judging by his history with Mr. Tinubu.

For those of you who do not know or were not even born, Mr. Momodu and Mr. Tinubu had eaten eba with no meat in exile. They have together fought military tyranny and endured personal risks in fighting against tyranny. So now that he is facing incestuous tyranny, he could easily just fall and enjoy the gravy train. He would have been given the choicest of positions, the choicest of travels and all of that, but the good upbringing mummy Momodu must have instilled in him in Ife would not allow him to sell his dignity for a morsel.

Mr. Momodu, please stand up and take your flowers. You are now becoming very very rare and you must be encouraged and saluted. Well done. People like you and me are not plenty even me sef, na one leg in one leg out- if you gerrit you gerrit, if you don’t gerrit, for geraborrit.

Dereliction of Duty by Presidential Guards in Katsina

First, let me give one small gist. Did I see a viral video of guards of a certain Emir breaking through the doors of a venue that had been sealed because the president was already “seated”?

That video made me really laugh o. Do you know why? Well, let me gist you. That was how I found myself at the Transcorp Hilton venue of the Babangida’s book launch. I got there late and I was confronted with the fiercest guards holding some very well-sophisticated military hardware to protect the president.

Well, I respected myself and walked very gently to the door and said to the guards in my best voice – I am a guest of General Babangida – showing them my special invite that the delectable Lami Tumaka had sent to me.

My people, the guards gnashed very brown teeth and pointed the kind of gun that Sylvester Stallone used to carry in those movies and told me to “scat.” My people, I ran o. I went back to my hotel room and ordered a hot plate of afang to ease my tension.

So, you can now imagine my incredulity when I saw the guards in their usual clownish multi-coloured attires, breaking down the door and making way for their Emir. I was shocked o, I looked closely at the video, looking for the “Rambos” that guard the President, but I did not see o. Maybe they had run for reinforcement or something.

If that video was not AI-generated and that thing really happened, then shame on those presidential guards. So because they saw a gentleman from Shomolu, well dressed who was just coming from the salon where he had gone to do pedicure and manicure, una come do me cinema. But when una see red eyes of kolanut munching palace guards, una run with all the heavy armoury una hold. Shame. Next time, I know what I will do.

Moruf Oseni: A Splendid Evening

Mr. Oseni is the Managing Director of Wema Bank. The bank was celebrating its 80th and my brother Tunde Mabawonko invited me. He sent me a huge package with all sorts inside with the invite and my head was swelling until I got to the hall and na “regular” they put a whole Duke of Shomolu. Kai.

But no problem, it’s not about me but about a prestigious legacy. A tradition of excellence that has spanned 80 years. Yes, Wema Bank has hit 80 years. From its initial uptake as Agbonmagbe Bank, it has transmuted and transformed over the years but still maintained its overriding ethos of professionalism to berth at this wonderful 80 years that now threw up this massive celebrations that have seen me seated at the Eko Hotel venue winking at the waitresses to bring in more food.

The party was rich and attracted a lot of dignitaries. The few I could recognise include His Excellency Dapo Abiodun, Aremo Segun Osoba and Otunba Bimbo Ashiru.

Music was eclectic and jamming as various artists graced the stage, from Cobhams to iconic Ayuba and then Davido came and brought down the roof. Oh my God, that was the very first time in my life I saw Davido talk less of watching him perform. It’s crazy, the way he controlled the crowd and gave such a powerful performance, the highlight was seeing him jumping from the stage and engaging Mr. Oseni who with his wife jammed to the tunes.

Where he got his Agbonmagbe steps is not the issue here but the way he bent down and jigged, his wife was amazed as she elegantly stepped back before daddy pour her water with the way he was scattering.

It was a wonderful evening and I wish Wema Bank many more years of service to the markets. Well done guys.

Chude Jideonwo: A Different Kind of Courage

This paddy looks like those brilliant boys in school we used to bully. He will be doing like “aje butter” and be talking like those boys in secondary school that would rather hang out with the girls than coming to us to bully, play football and generally ensure maximum mischief in the neighborhood.

To even make matters worse, he presents this very popular talk show online that has him “oooohing” and “aaaaghing” at his guest and wringing his hands like one softie that one small slap will send him running straight to his mummy wailing “Mummy, mummy, Duke pinch my finger.”

Well, that was how I saw clips on his latest documentary on the former Petroleum Minister, the very popular and still elegant Diezani Alison-Madueke. My people, I shout o. It was brazen and bare knuckles. It was bare and had a lot of bold people who made audacious statements.

The first thing that came to my mind watching this was – where this boy get the mind o? This was not his usual Nollywood starlet interview but hard-knocking engagement on a topic and a personality that was risqué to say the least.

The risk of libel, and defamation was written all over the teaser. I watched simply because as we speak, the madam has not been convicted by any court anywhere and my small investigations show that her trial in the UK is to commence in 2026, so this was really bold and brazen by this bobo that used to be doing like “one kind.”

I may not watch the full documentary because I really do not understand his intent but would still hope for his own good that he attempts a balance in the report by also hearing from his subject or even her lawyers or any other person in her camp. Anything short of that would rubbish this attempt.

Meanwhile, while we are still doing documentary, my brother Chude, any plans for one for current players? They would make a real interesting subject. Try am make we see how the slaps will be – ask NANS President. Kai, I don run o.

 Martins Otse: A Different Kind of Hero

As I write, the EFCC have not really told us what exactly this man has done. Apart from abusing them every other day, they have not said for certain which of the many offences he may have committed.

But as I write, I have also heard that he has been released. A report credited to perpetual troublemaker Mr. Sowore says that Mr Otse better known as Very Dark Man has been released to his lawyers.

The colourful stories we have heard of his arrest and the funny attempt by his followers to rope in a major bank and the arbitrariness of it all is much more than scary.

Guys, we cannot wait and be saying “It is VDM, na him dey look for their trouble” and not stand up to demand for constitutionally-sanctioned liberties be respected in this country.

From what we have heard so far, the arbitrariness of this episode is bone-rankling. A man goes to help his mum sort out an issue at the bank and ends up in near morbid detention for five days. This is on a public man with a lot of limelight around him, then imagine countless of others who are going through the same in anonymity all over the country.

This is my own o, the seeming arbitrariness of it all. This is scary, very scary and it gets scarier when you read the lawyer’s report who says that it looked like he was first arrested and then groping and looking for charges to bring. Aghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Fear is catching me o, are we in a military state, is this a banana republic?

My own is that nobody should come and catch me o, I will piss all over their office that they will need months of fumigation to clear off the stench. Mbok, nsuto nkpo as my late mother would scream in Ibibio at the sight of nonsense.

My Condolences Catholic Faithful

Let me send my belated condolences to the Catholic community. I am very sorry this is coming very late, but it’s better late than never. Please accept my unreserved and deeply emotional condolences on the passing of your highly respected and revered Pope Francis. I know that this particular Pope will definitely be dining with our Heavenly Father for he was truly a pious man.

As I write, I am watching and seeing the black smoke emerging and showing that a new Pope has not been chosen.

I want to use this opportunity to wish those in the Conclave unwavering wisdom in choosing a new Pope because it is not easy to be a Pope in today’s mad world o.

Anyways, I am very sure that God will intervene and a perfectly costume-made Pope that will consolidate and grow the faith will emerge.