Loud Whispers with JOSEPH EDGAR
Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan: Let’s Try King Charles
My sister, when this IPU move fails, there are still other alternatives we can try. We can approach King Charles of England to report Akpabio and his band of merrymen who have committed the most grievous offence of them all – suspending you.
My people, I looked up from my plate of Afang to see our “walking controversy” addressing an international congress. They say it is the Inter Parliamentary Union or something like that.
This is how we chase shadows. A bloody waste of time and an inconvenient distraction fuelled by a lifetime spent within the gray areas of life.
My sister, honestly, you were unbelievably unprofessional in the footage I saw o. You were suspended and if you feel bitter about the way you were treated,then follow due process in seeking justice. All these jumping up and down the place, making all these noises and providing alternative entertainment for Nigerians is not doing your image well.
Meanwhile, we have only heard the allegation on ARISE TV and to the best of my knowledge, there has been no official report either in court or to any constituted panel on this allegation. The only thing we have seen is Mrs. Akpabio’s case against you for defaming her husband.
Please, my dear sister, can we urgently head to court on this matter very quickly and leave all these jamborees? It’s the only way to go o, and while at it, let’s tackle Reno Omokri; the guy is “scattering your image o.” Na wa.
SENATOR OGUNLEWE: COMEDY IN FUNNY PLACES
This baba just woke up, took his bath, wore the agbada he wore to go receive Awo in 1979 and came on TV to just talk about what we used to call in Shomolu “Okpata.”
Mbok, which one is “her beauty is her problem?” What kind of drunken sailor’s talk is this one? Was he trying to justify the undue attention the senator has been complaining about from her male colleagues or from one specific colleague who can’t seem to hold it down? Or was he saying “Sister, your beauty is your cross, bear it.”
Whatever the meaning, this was a very shallow and irritable contribution to the matter. It looks like Daddy’s “Ayo” partner was afflicted with a running stomach,leaving him with too much time in his hands, hence this unfortunate appearance.
He should approach Baba Bode George who also has more than enough time in his hands as a veritable new partner. This was not even funny to say the least. Thank you.
BABAJIDE SANWO-OLU: A ‘MACARONI’ PROBLEM
This irritant has been on Sanwo-Olu’s case since the #EndSARS. I am made to believe that he blames His Excellency for the treatment meted out to him by forces during that sad episode. Since then, he has taken every opportunity to be rude, abusive and all of that against the governor.
A recent episode showed him ignoring the governor and when he was called out, he went on his X to restate his intention of never to greet the governor.
My take is simple: It is his right not to greet anybody. No one can take that from him. It is a democracy, even me, I am not greeting some APC members. In fact, if I see Obasa again, I will just hiss, put my head on the other side and walk away.
So Mr Macaroni is in his rights with this. My own is that I really hope that this is not bothering Governor Sanwo-Olu because in the general scheme of things, who or what is Mr. Macaroni? There are over 20 million people in Lagos with several real life challenges like housing, security, food scarcity and all, is it one spoilt comedian that should now be distracting us?
Please, if we have not already been ignoring, let’s start ignoring. Does he even matter? Next year, the skit trend will be replaced by another trend and he will go back to doing whatever he was doing before this trend forced his irritation on us. So my people, this is not even an issue. Who even takes a man who calls himself Macaroni that seriously abeg? Laughable.
ABIKE DABIRI: AN INCONTINENT TRUTH
Madam has just put words to it. Most Nigerians who have “japa” are going through hell. She is merely stating the obvious going by the reports she has been receiving by virtue of her office at the Diaspora Commission.
Daily, we are assailed by reports of domestic violence, glamourised slavery, depression, loss of economic status and all what not, that our brothers and sisters suffer as a result of a massive search for greener pastures.
When you even spend time with them abroad, they appear robotic and enslaved. Fear is the order of the day. The way they rush to work, beg you not to call them at work, beg you not to watch TV because of the bill, beg you to eat just once and live in cubicles, all leaving you to wonder just what the enjoyment here is.
They will now be saving for that annual December trip – buy plenty of Primark, load credit cards and come and be doing “detty” December to make us jealous, only to go back into the modern-day plantations to work three jobs for 24 hours to pay back on the credit.
Life for the majority of Nigerians in the diaspora is short, laborious and pitiable. They lose economic and political status, really have no say in anything but still be posing with their “stupid” accents so that we will not know what is going on.
A minority is doing well no doubt but the vast majority just exchanged poverty. They were poor here and ran there to continue with a different kind of poverty, but this time with no suffrage.
I no longer blame the country, I blame the lily-livered denizens who cannot stay here and work their butts off or fight to change the system, but rush towards what they see as the easy way out only to find themselves in a worse jam. Shey we see how they are being treated in South Africa?
We dey here ooo. We will make our money here and come there to buy you guys good food. That is what is happening and don’t worry, in a short while, Nigeria will be better and we will start asking them to pay a fine to come back. Cowards, no pity.
TUNDE AYENI: A BREATH OF FRESH AIR
This my egbon has literally gone through hell. For those of us who have not heard or do not know the story, let me try and give a summary. Daddy once had a relationship with the beautiful “Ekaette.” Ekaette, during the affair lived like a queen and baba spoilt her to the point of giving her N5million monthly upkeep by his own admission and also giving her space in a multi-billion nairacomplex.
As these things go, daddy, after coming across some unsavory things, says he was not doing again, and since then his life has been hell. He was hit with a child that he has claimed very ferociously that is not his own. He has over the last few years been fighting all over the place trying to prove his “innocence” on the matter, and it seems that the more he fights, the more he is dragged into what was beginning to look like a bottomless pit.
His wife, unlike the average Nigerian wife, is standing by him and now, the image this otherwise very important Nigerian is having is that of a man doing DNA all over the place simply because he was bold enough to say “I am not doing again.”
Thankfully, a court has ruled in his favour. Baby girl can no longer parade herself as his wife and this is a very important milestone. But something tells me that peace is still very far from Tunde on this matter and this should be a lesson to the rest of us – if you must, use a condom. Kai. I don run ooo.
TAKE HEART, AMAJU PINNICK
One of Nigeria’s greatest sports administrators just lost a reelection bid into the FIFA Council. Amaju Pinnick has over the years led Nigeria’s constructive push towards international respect in the area of football administration.
He has carried himself with so much dignity that his influence on the top hierarchy of FIFA remains highly commended. I hear that he lost the election by just one vote.
Well, FIFAs loss should now be Nigeria’s gain. Amaju has in his individual capacity supported the game locally especially in infrastructural development, amongst others.
While it would be one kind to now ask him to push towards NFF – person deybig pass some things – he can like my brother Kunle Soname, who owns the Remo Stars and Nigeria’s biggest independently-owned sporting facility, begin to expand his already impressive personal interventions in the game. Well donebro, as you no fall our hands.
IJOBA LANDE’S DIFFICULT POSITION
This actor or is it skit maker of the Yoruba Nollywood variant has just announced that about 21 male colleagues of his have slept with his wife. He even went further to say that he has videos of eight of them in the act with his wife.
One has come out to confess and beg for forgiveness, stating that it was during a game of truth and dare. His wife’s manager has also come out to beg for forgiveness for allowing them to use her house to treat his wife for an STD.
This one pass me o. I don’t even know what to say. 21 men? In the same industry? Your husband’s colleagues? Aghh, I really do not even know what to say, I swear.
As I watched the video, I could see his pain. No anger o, but fear as he says that if he mentions some names of the men, he may not even get home alive because they are the powerful big men in the industry.
I just say I should announce this to my readers as I have been left speechless with my mouth still wide open, I tell you. This is what is described as “wonders will never end.” Kai.
WOLI AROLE: THE OTEDOLA BRIDGE DEBACLE
I have been really surprised that till now, nobody has really talked about the regularity of dastard accidents on this bridge.
The Otedola bridge heading outside Lagos from the Ojota axis is now so notorious as a point of “death.” It is always petrol tankers falling off, bursting into flames and burning down cars, property and taking lives.
It is now almost a monthly occurrence and this has been going on for years. I have been waiting for a rational explanation, maybe an engineering one to explain this but have not seen or heard of any and this is why the suggestion by this comedian that there is a blood sucking demon in that area is looking like it is making sense.
The Otedola bridge can be said to be the most notorious in the country judging from the devastating carnage and loss of lives that occurs each time there is an accident.
Once it happens, like this last one where two lives were lost and over 14 cars burnt according to reports, we just clear the debris and wait for the next one.
Even if it is spiritual, can’t government agencies like LASTMA, Road Safety, set up clear safety signs, or an operational base to ensure proper monitoring of traffic? Can’t the government set up a fire brigade point there, or a quick response facility to ensure immediate response?
I know there is a Lagos State accident facility just down the road on the other side, but more can be done nearer the point to save lives abeg.
Finally, can the engineers now look at the design of the bridge to see if there could be something about its make up that facilitates these accidents?
Until all of these is put in place, can Woli Arole arrange an interdenominational team of prophets, babalawos and alfas to perform a cleansing at that juncture? We can have some members of the Lagos State House of Assembly carry the “eboh” at midnight so that these gods can be appeased. It’s really scary, I tell you.
TUNDE MACALABI: AGLOFEST ON HIS MIND
Tunde is an elder but very passionate about Nigeria. Twice now he has personally sponsored economic expos on the sidelines of the UNGA in a bid to push Nigerian exports to the world. His efforts have been commended in the right places which has now inspired him to design the massive Aglofest. The Africa Global festival which is targeted at the black diaspora is expected to inflow an estimated $20billion into the Nigerian economy in five years.
It would involve a series of economic summits, tourism initiatives, cultural exchanges and the positioning of Nigerian exports as a veritable revenue earner. Already, two states – Lagos and Akwa Ibom – and Abuja have indicated interest in hosting the festival.
We are waiting.
ADE BRAIMAH: A WELL-DESERVED MILESTONE
My brother just secured a banking licence. Ade has been at it for a while and finally just got the CBN nod to move his powerful asset management firm into the money deposit realm.
I have known Ade for almost forever. A powerful banker in his GTBank days from where he was seconded to the West coast of Africa. He performed so well and garnered enough experience from which he now parlayed into asset and wealth management through his Alpha Morgan Asset Management.
Today Alpha Morgan has transmuted into a fullscale bank.
This is just to say a quick well done and also to send a swift prayer for continuous growth and contribution to the economy. Well done sir.
EXCITING NEWS ON LAGOS $259BN GDP
As I was about to conclude this column, someone just sent me a quick note. Lagos GDP has risen to $259 billion, making it second only to Cairo on the continent.
Lagos, with its teeming population and commerce driven economy, has always been a flash point in Africa for its tremendous growth.
Its growth is just so crazy that it defies the usual government ineptitude and crass leanings as it beats all perimeters.
Now the challenge would be how to parlay this into definite benefits for its residents. The pull-down must be deliberate and strategic, starting with continuous provision of infrastructural development which is needed if we are to continue in this trajectory and eventually take over Cairo and be number one.
Well done to Lagosians, it is not only to the government but to Lagosians for working so hard in achieving this great milestone. Oya, let’s take over Cairo. That should be the next target and the main deliverable to the government. Thank you.
