Loud Whispers With JOSEPH EDGAR

Babajide Sanwo-Olu: The Noah of Our Time

My brother, at this stage, I think you should start reading the scriptures again. Specifically, that portion which described how Noah built the Ark. With this kind of flooding in Lagos, I think your government should start considering building a giant Ark for us to be running into any time it rains.

I tell you, this is no longer a joke and no amount of government rhetoric or statements can alleviate the real fear that these floods are causing. It was even reported that a pupil was carried away by floods. Don’t know how true this is, but it is very possible seeing the magnitude of the floods in some parts of the state.

Now, the fault is not only on the government but also on some of us who blocked drainages and built illegal structures all over the state and when the government moves to crack down, we will shout – oh they are destroying Igbo people’s houses. But when the flood comes, both Igbo people, and Yoruba people, and Egun people, and Ibibio people, and everybody suffers.

I think the contract for the Ark be given immediately to the Chagoury because na only them this government sabi, and they should locate the Ark at the highest peak of the state near the Lagoon so that once the rain starts, we all run in and lock ourselves and when the rains stop, we send one APC dove to fly out, and if it returns we remain where we are and if it does not return, we know it is safe to go out.

I know these APC people now o, when they finish building the boat, they will now start asking us to show party ID cards before we enter and that means that people like us fit drown o. At least, they can build a small canoe tied to the big Ark so that those of us with no card or those who voted Rhodes abi wetin be that him name will hang on the canoe for dear life.

Mr. Governor sir, we can’t be helpless. If we cannot stop the floods, let’s build the Ark. Simple.

IG Egbetokun, Your Policemen are Suffering

My dear egbon, ejo ma binu si mi. I had to start this with small Yoruba begging. Since this is the all-conquering tribe, make I cowardly use their them language beg.

Abeg, my elder brother, your people are suffering, I swear. The conditions of service and with which they operate from are really very appalling. When I see policemen on the road, I used to be moved with pity to stop and just hug them.

These people are the most disciplined people in this country I swear. Bankers have not seen anything and they will be doing fraud. Imagine that First Bank banker who stole N40billion, compare him with the average policeman, with poor pay, terrible work conditions, danger to self in the line of duty, yet no real insurance or welfare cover and the man is standing on the road with a rifle still doing the job?

The temptation to redress his situation is more than tempting and yet we have recorded less than 20% of the workforce either indicted for misdemeanour and the rest. I swear the Nigerian police force is simply the best in the world. Kai.

The other day, I saw a video of a policeman showing us their living conditions somewhere in Lekki. It was horrendous. He complained bitterly about the SUPO Admin who will seize their allowances when they complain. He showed us how he mopped water from his room and showed us his wet mattress in an uncompleted building.

Sir, please just stop whatever you are doing now and look at the issue of police welfare. I do not know whose job it is, whether it is yours or the Police Service Commission, whatever it is sir, please just stop and look.

For one, all the money you guys collect for police reports – I hear it is now N40,000 from N5,000 – can be used to build better barracks, increase pay, and better welfare conditions. Please, my brother, don’t vex and come and catch me o. I am just begging you on behalf of your men and women, the suffering is too much. Kai. I really pity them.

Olayemi Cardoso:  Still on the FMDQ Matter

The greatest CBN Governor of our time, I hail you. Well done for the vigorous fight you are putting up against the forex. The thing is pushing you and you are pushing it and the thing is just doing “jangrover” all over the place. Well done sha, you are trying.

But let me bring to your attention this little matter of the FMDQ. Shebi you know them, FMDQ? The place is a major player in our debt markets careening off trillions of naira worth of transactions daily.

Now the problem is that CBN is on the Board. In fact, your Deputy Governor is the Chairman. Wonderful abi? Well, I have heard that at the start, the CBN gave it a lot of support in its birthing, hence the prime position it is playing in the space. But bro, it is 11 years after and the baby don get pubic hair, it’s time to go.

The CBN as regulator cannot be a player in the same market. I even hear that the CBN is now a major problem inside that FMDQ. So sir, it is time to go. I think as the astute professional that you are, you should look very closely at this matter with a view of withdrawing from the FMDQ so that the place can breathe abeg.

CBN’s involvement at the board level of the place is suffocating and against all liberal market rules. If the SEC doesn’t have the teeth to bite, you should use some small common sense and do the right thing.

CBN, just go. Thank you.

Asue Ighodalo, Stand Tall

As I was submitting this column, the news filtered out that a Federal High Court has nullified the primaries that brought Asue Ighodalo to the very much coveted position as the PDP candidate in the upcoming Edo State gubernatorial elections.

My initial reaction was shock but I later calmed down because I have been assured by those who are legal experts that this ruling cannot stand.

So my brother, keep your head up and keep the flag flying because the race is not meant for the weak hearted which is a term you cannot use to describe this ‘blackman’.

Meanwhile, I hear that members of the APC on the other side are jubilating and they should, because if this stands, then a very strong contender may have been pulled from the race.

But like I said, this will not stand as I have it on good authority that the ruling will be challenged and that spirits are high in the Ighodalo and PDP camp.

Make we dey watch, na series no be skit.

Thank you.

Olu Jacobs Lives

During the week, some rodents came up with the very mischievous news of the wrong passing of this great screen legend. But thankfully, the news was discounted by his extremely beautiful wife, Joke.

How people will just sit down and send out this kind of message beats me. They once did it for the great Nnamdi Azikiwe who was “killed” many times before his time, and now someone is so much in a hurry to let Olu go.

He will not. God will keep him till his appointed time. He has been a blessing to generations, such a sweet gentleman. I have met him severally and he has continued to be a beacon of inspiration to a whole industry.

It is because of his kindness that God gave him such a wonderful wife, the immortally beautiful Joke Silva. Yes, God has blessed him and I pray for God to bless me like this, I swear.

You will live long sir, don’t worry.

Patience Jonathan: No Distractions Please

Mbok which hole did Patience Jonathan just come out from o? Does she think we are doing a social media skit now? Things are now in a very precarious state that we cannot afford to be distracted by the rhetoric of a comical ex-First Lady. Who will even want to see her back in the saddle? What exactly is she being remembered for apart from the barely literate rants of a mother in Israel type?

Surprisingly, the present First Lady, Senator Remi Tinubu has carried herself with so much dignity and respect. She is earning my respect, I swear. She is unobtrusive, engaging when she needs to be and variously apologetic. Yes, she is very concerned with Nigeria and Nigerians and anytime she comes out, she is pleading, begging for time and understanding and this is why I am beginning to like her.

In contrast, Patience was an irritant- sorry for such strong language. But that is the truth, she bullied the nation and positioned herself as the mother of all even though she lacked the intellect to play the role. She gifted us with so many comical lines, the best remembered being “There is God o,” amongst other such inanities.

Mbok, go back to bed, breakfast will soon be ready. Thanks.

 Wale Oyedeji: A ‘Nova’ Way to Go

Let me quickly congratulate this great financial mind. Wale Oyedeji’s Nova Merchant Bank has just announced that it is going commercial, meaning that they have transmuted from wholesale banking to real retail and universal banking.

Wale joined Nova on the back of a very rich and prestigious banking career and has quietly worked very closely with the great chairman, my big egbon Philip Odozua, to build a unique type of institution. For this, I will say well done.

The market has for some time now been very expectant of this move because of the about six merchant banks in operation. They, in my sound estimation, seem to be the only ones that seem to be well-grounded. The only other one that would have given them a run for their money, FBN Quest, I hear is up for sale. The others are just there, pity-putting and retuning figures that are a little better than those of microfinance banks operating out of Oyingbo market.

Well done guys, let me even do a shout-out to my people at Nova – Emmanuel Onokposa – I hope I spelt it well, and Aramide Awosanya who was with me at Habib Bank and has had one very colourful banking career that has taken her to UBA, GTBank and Wema before Nova. Well done guys.

Tiwa Savage: Send Me the N100m

I am in shock o guys. I have just read that Olamide rejected N100million for a verse in Tiwa Savage’s new song. A verse ooooooo, N100m for a verse. Is this what these people pay themselves and I am here writing a 4,000-word column and my editor, the great Davidson will be asking: “Duke, where is your page? My brother Davidson, please if you do not see my page, I dey Tiwa house dey hawk my verse o.

Tiwa, my darling, I am on your side, ask Azuka. That time that guy who called himself your hubby was doing all that thing, I was praying for you and I have been very loyal to you. I swear, I did not even look at that your tape more than five times.

I swear, I looked at it only five times and deleted it. So please, my verse is massive.

Please, go and listen to Michael Jackson’s Liberian Girl, the last verse na me. Let’s do this deal and I assure you of a Grammy, try me. Thank you. My number is at the top of the page, please call me o.

Duke of Shomolu @ 55

My people, it was my birthday on Thursday. As usual, I raised about N3m for widows and generally just hid in my house before people that I had broken their hearts come for my big head.

Thanks for all the support, prayers and well wishes. The best you can do for me is to come and see ‘Gowon,’ my new play. I really beg, we have to pay school fees you hear. Thank you all my fans and God bless you all.