Mr preisdent – I won’t do It!

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Chairman of INEC, Prof. Mahmood Yakubu

So in confidence I declared to my followers and the good people of Shomolu that I will take my bath in the full glare of the public if the President, Mr. Muhammadu Buhari, was declared winner of the presidential election. My confidence was built on two platforms – Aisha Buhari’s statement that two people were ruling the country and also on the fact that social media was agog with stories and hit that we were all Atikulated. Mbok, all 75m of us on Facebook and internet were Atikulated o and as such Buhari had started packing his bags and begin to head to Daura or wherever it is he came from. My people, my confidence was bolstered when during the elections, I saw the President stretch his long neck to peep and see what or who mummy voted for.

This to me was a sign of panic. I immediately went on line and reaffirmed my vow and even added that I would do it fully nude and the whole place went agog with debate. The Duke must dance naked in the public square the APC people like Demola Adekoya screamed while the PDP people assured me that there was nothing to worry about. My people, as the results started trickling in, I began to realize that I may have boxed myself into a corner and finally the results were officially announced by this INEC people at 4am. Buhari was declared winner and immediately the enemies started calling, recommending the roads or venues for my public bath. My Oga Tunji even recommended Costain roundabout just under the bridge on the way to NB Plc. Others have said Ikorodu Road near Fadeyi while I have also heard Obalende Bus stop.

I am just looking at them. Me, The Duke of Shomolu and Ajanaku of Apata, the 53rd to the British Crown and the only cousin to her majesty with Ibibio blood to come and bath in public exposing the crown jewels to mere commoners because Oshiomhole and Co perform magic win election? I laugh. Please all of you listen carefully especially Dapo Onogoruwa, read my lips. I WILL NO DO IT at least until Mr Atiku Abubakar makes that phone call congratulating his opponent then I will reconsider my stance and you know that one go hard. The elections have come and gone and from what we are seeing it looks like the elections were very far from ‘free and fair’. PDP has stated reasons for rejection and have gone ahead to indicate their desire to head to the courts. For me, let me just say that we are tired of all these old people with their archaic way of doing things. Four days to announce result, state where governor cannot vote, thousands now vote, more people voting than those who registered.

The great boys of the gutter, destroying ballot boxes and injuring and maiming people in the process and disenfranchising people and you say I should come and bath. Bath ko bath ni. Una go wait tire. Please let us all come and do and go that is those of us from 45years and above should come and go and hand over the nation to the next generations who are not driven by such shallow prisms like ethnicity, nepotism, tribalism and crass insensitivity and cannibalism or how else would you describe chopping off someone’s arms so she cannot vote abi is that not what we saw on video? The saga continues, this na just part two- we dey watch, PHCN never take light. Na wa.

Mr. Buhari – Where is the Party?

Muhammadu Buhari

Oga this is not time to be doing stiff and disciplinarian. You have been adjudged by your INEC to be the winner of this thing we have called election with over 15 million votes so there must be party o. It is not to be wearing starched agbada with long cap and be saying, ‘I am humbled’ that is not what we want to hear jo. Declare abeg, the remaining Trader Moni, instruct Osinbajo to release and let’s have one big party o. Abi what else can we do? Let’s enjoy our lives and see if we will heal from the most factitious elections since the civil war. Some people say, we have been taken backwards for like 20 years, that we have lost national cohesion and that we have never been so divided since the end of the civil war. So the onus is on you to throw this party and let’s see if the wounds will be healed. I know you now, you will be saying you don’t have money. You don’t need money abeg, the baba in Ikoyi can release one bullion van and we can have street parties nationwide. Let’s dance and drink on your head na. Or you want to wait and see how the court cases will go. I will not accept abeg, you are the maximum ruler, since when have you been afraid of courts, na suspension go greet all the judges. Mbok, boys have worked for you throw something them way. Me, I will send you a very reluctant congratulatory message. For me, you may have won the war but at a very huge moral loss. You have shed a huge toga of your credibility as you scratch your way back to power but then again, you should now seat down and try to be truly a national leader. Leading a push to heal the nation, and building a lasting legacy and not continue in the narrow parochial tendencies we have seen in your first term. We go talk, no problem.

MR. ABUBAKAR ATIKU – MY ADVICE

Atiku Abubakar

Look, this is not the time to be confused. In fact, this is really not the time to be listening to all sorts of advice. I think you should lock yourself up in a toilet, pull your pants, seat on it and do a deep and careful reconnaissance of what just happened. Think of your life, your role in our nation and the unique position that you find yourself having fought a credible and truly worthy battle against some very strong feudal forces. You have tried, you have fought long and hard and you have earned enough respect. But do you want to continue in the charade? Do you want to further subject yourself to the ridicule of a dance without music? Should you stop the music at this point? Should you pull back and continue to touch lives privately and devout the rest of your life to humanity and all that is Nigeria. If you ask me, I think your best bet is to forget this court case thing, it will not work.

You will not achieve anything. Do you really think this baba wey no trust him wife, did you see the way he peeped at her paper during the elections will now come and respect court judgment make he step down? The Baba has kuku said, nobody can unseat him. You had the golden opportunity with the elections but fate thought otherwise. My leader, leave it, take the phone, call him, if you don’t have credit, I will send you N500 recharge card. You don’t need to talk too much. Don’t even greet him and if he invite you for lunch just say you are not hungry but thank him.

Just tell him one word, congrats and see how history will judge you. Leave everything to God, the peace and stability of Nigeria and the safety of all 180 million of us plus the temporary ones from Niger Republic who come in during elections and go back should be paramount in your thoughts right now. So sir, stand up, flush the toilets and don’t forget to wash your hands and use air freshener, make you no kill person and come out to your living room and stand boldly open your mouth and climb into the dizzying heights where only Awolowo, Azikiwe, Ahmadu Bello, MKO Abiola and OB………. Kai that last one hang for my mouth- belong. My Lord, well done and God bless you.

BULLION VANS – ARE THEY YOUR OWN?

Mbok people don’t like to mind their business o. So two bullion vans were driven into a compound in Ikoyi and one busybody reporter now left his house, took his bath, ate breakfast and told his wife he was going to work only to go to Alausa to ask this kind question? He got the answer he deserved. Wetin concern you, Baba screamed bending his neck as he spoke the way Unilag girls do when they want to ridicule their toasters. Baba did not stop there o, he even challenged the ‘boy’ which I’m sure had not paid his house rent yet to show him any government contract he had received or any government agency he had worked or been part of o. A man can do whatever he likes with his money o, he can even drive the bullion van into the lagoon to make sure these ‘Igbo’ people will not go and buy all the land underwater and before you know it come and have ‘Eze Igbo of mammy water” and be voting for Agbaje. Nigerians should learn to mind their business and concentrate on eking out a living for themselves and families instead of bothering themselves with things they will never understand. That reporter has committed high treason and he should be careful otherwise na me go chase am commot Lagos. Mbok someone should help advise the MD of that bank that got their own bullion vans seized by those people who were red the other day, that during interrogation, he should wear caftan with cap that has some signs on top and answer with style too, is it your own? What concern you? Show me who gave me contract? Whatever happen, to him, he should write it in his biography which he will title, ‘ the Animal Farm – that is Nigeria.’ I go buy the book. Only in Nigeria’s war against corruption. Laugh

MR. GODSWILL AKPABIO – AN UNCOMMON HUMILIATION

This was a legend. He stood tall in Akwa Ibom and ruled it with a heavy hand. The man did wonders for Akwa Ibom moving it from the backwaters of rural fiefdom into the front seat of urbanization and collective self-worth. He was god and his words were law. The people loved him and they fell on their knees for he was their emperor. Today, he has been totally humiliated, demystified and thrown into the rubbish bin of history. How did he get here? Mbok don’t ask me. When you people will not be reading newspapers, how will you know what is happening and then you will be waiting for me to write column so you can read. Please me I don’t know how Akpabio got to this point where he cannot even win one chin chini Senatorial election in an uncommon way. What kind of uncommon defeat is this? How can he be so uncommonly treated like a common politician who if care is not taken may not even be able to win local council election in Akwa Ibom again. Well, my people have shown an uncommon principled stance against drunken aspirations, they have united against the personification of the people’s will and given Akpabio and those who sent him a bloodied red nose. I am just sitting here eating my Afang with good pounded yam and well-cooked periwinkles and laughing at him. I think he should try for the Presidency after this, that is his only route to redeem himself. This change will surely come, na small small. He don start.

AJIMOBI – NO MORE CONSTITUTED AUTHORITY

You can say anything you want about this election but for me they have shown that the seeds of democratic rebellion have been sown and by the next electoral cycle they will be in full bloom. Shebi we saw some of the voting trends where people did not show respect to giants o. They voted their conscience and Irokos started dropping and falling like stubborn grass. No greater Iroko fell than the constituted authority of Oyo. The man just fell like sugar cane. My friend and brother Lami Adekola who is gradually growing in political stature from the Ogbomoso end was the first to hint me that it was looking like the Iroko would be felled. Me I did not believe o. I said let us wait and see and true to his words, the Iroko dropped and he quickly acquiesced thanking the people of Oyo State for condoning him for all these years. Well, some will say it is Ayefele’s head that caught up with him. I would say they carried the wrong ‘ebo’ to the wrong junction. It should have dropped at orita metta but he be like say na Lagos Ibadan Expressway dem drop am on the way out of Ibadan. Any ways thank you sir, you tried for Oyo people. God bless you.

DINO MELAYE – SONGS OF PRAISE

‘What shall I say unto the Lord, all I have to say is thank you Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord all I have to say is thank you Lord. Mbok Dino I am going to church this Sunday for thanksgiving for you and may even pay tithe sef. As I watch you kneel down in full supplication to the Lord giving thanks and praises for your victory, I could not help but join you. As I write, the songs keep going in my head – thank you Lord, thank you Lord, all I have to say is thank you Lord. Abi from the 600 policemen that surrounded your house, to the ones who carried you inside bus making you jump out to the ones who made you collapse in hospital, today you have been vindicated and God has shown once again that no weapon shall touch his chosen one. Ohhh mboek the songs are just coming, ‘today o, I will worship your name, today ooo I will worship your name. Mbok the war just start o, you must continue to hold tight to our father and not any godfather. His people do not need godfather but the Holy Spirit. You will conquer, you will fly and you will not fall by the way side. Welldone bro and God bless you. Mbok where is the party o? I must come o. Me sef don suffer for you.

BANKY W – I APOLOGISE!

Please, my brother I am sorry. Kindly forgive me for not giving you a chance, I was one of the Pharisees who did not support your vision. I even wrote a bad article against your candidacy and devoted a whole afang summit railing against you and your drive. I attended the last BBC debate at the Civic Centre and scoffed at you as you spoke laying all my disinterest at your relative inexperience and lack of depth. But you have surprised not only me but millions of Nigerians with the way you took the fight to the goliaths of this world. You have earned our respect and we look forward to working with you in building a strong and virile youth-based push towards self-actualization. Big English but at least you don get the message. Well done and God bless you.

SENATOR FLORENCE ITA-GIWA AND THE AFANG SOUP

As the results were being reeled out by a continuous line of badly dressed INEC returning officers, I was getting depressed. When they announced Bauchi and I saw the gap the great Buhari was giving our man, my throat just went dry. This Buhari even if it is juju, the man na hurricane o. These people for Kano, Bauchi and Katsina will just be voting for him the way, Ijaw people eat fish. That is how my phone started ringing and when I looked it was my ever so sweet Senator Florence Ita Giwa. Mbok Ekanmi where have you been? I have not spoken or seen her in a while. You know she is a beautiful person both in and out and I like having discussions on the Nigerian Project with her. Her wealth of experience and front-seat view that she brings to every discussion is usually a delight for me. But this time, she was calling to invite me to come and eat Afang at her new restaurant on Victoria Island Lagos. Look let me tell you people that there is no soup more delicious than a well-made Afang soup by an Efik woman. I am looking forward to this visit with the eagerness of a just released prisoner going on his first date. Nma please make sure dey garnish the soup with ekwong, periwinkles and unam ebot. Kai. I pity you guys that have not been invited. You sef, go look for a title and give yourself, one of the many benefits of being the Duke of Shomolu.

BASH ALI – MANY HAPPY RETURNS

I hear this legendary boxing champ is celebrating his 63rd birthday this week. What most people do not know is that I had once almost sparred with the champ at the Army Sports camp in Shomolu. He was at the peak of his career and was getting ready for one of those major bouts. He was using the sports camp as his training base.it was one of those ASUU strikes and I was home from school, so we and the gang, we used to call ourselves, hommies and led by the great Lambert Ike sauntered into the camp to watch him spar. Then it was me, Lambert, Chidi, the late Uche, Nnana, Omaks that made up the clique. We ruled Shomolu deciding what happened and who went where. So we heard that the champ was in our hood and decided to pay him a courtesy call. The great champ received us warmly and allowed us watch his training. Then he asked for one of us to take the ring with him. Now this was when body building was reigning and Lambert and Chidi were the kings in Shomolu then, their chest was huge with skinny legs and they walked up and down Shomolu preening and carrying all the sweet girls to the detriment of the rest of us. The bold and confident Lambert was the one who took up the challenge. They gagged him up and without any prior training except the small small street boxing in our Morocco area, lambert withstood the onslaught from the world champion for about ten minutes earning everybody’s respect. The champ was humble and very accommodating. We hung out with him that day and since then Lambart became our leader for life. Happy birthday champ and many more years. Sorry I could not come to Ikotun, Uncle Tayo go don vex but no problem you are the people’s champ and you are celebrated. God bless.