Loud Whispers

I only saw the picture. The picture of our only Mr. Elumelu in full regalia where he was displaying some wonderful Michael Jackson moves, complete with the globally admired crotch grabbing step. This epoch-making occasion was the end of year party the media-loving gentleman threw for his staff and friends. In the past one year, I have taken more than a passing interest in this gentleman. His front-page grabbing activities leave me with cautious admiration.

Mr. Elumelu, I can say apart from maybe the President, grabs headline more than any other Nigerian. He was either eating lunch at the White House, addressing a group of scientists on the wonderful delicacy that is afang, grooming over a thousand young entrepreneurs on the delicate skill that is the moonwalking or gracing the world Economic Forum discussing his pet project, Africapitalism. Do I admire him? Who in his right senses would not? He is a hard-working and specially gifted gentleman with more than his own share of charisma. The only problem I have with him is the lack of mention of his Ekpoma roots. Some reference should be made to this ‘humble but very strategic’ beginning if for nothing else but to, at least, inspire the people at the grassroots. Back to the picture and party abeg, my spies tell me it was a fun fest, with Tony taking the dance floor and making Michael green with envy in his grave. Food was plenty, and I got some takeaway as I had instructed that I did not want just gist, but that I must also taste some Africapitalism food. Well, let me just say happy New Year to Mr. Elumelu and I hope you do not mind this gentle stroking? If he vex you, then I suggest you reach out to Dino Malaye for some small lessons in ignoring people like me. Looking forward to next year’s party and here is wishing you come out as Michael Jackson in full Thriller costume, and that would be a sight. Teheeeee

Ghost Appointments and the Federal Character Principle
Well, it all started like a joke. I have a WhatsApp group that discusses politics and economy and in the group we have some very powerful people. Donald Duke used to be in it. But he suddenly ran away. I guess the cost of data these days for ex–governors is prohibitive. We have Senator Omisore, Senator Ewa Henshaw and one Aregbesola – hoping it’s the real one sha. Because the day I yabbed him small on this page, he sent a chat thanking me, so na him. Gabriel Ogbechie of Rain Oil is in the group but does not say anything, don’t know why though. But today is not for him. My Lord Chike Ogeah is a powerful contributor and then the former Chairman of Shomolu Local Government, my Lord Bagostowe, is a keen participant. Another silent listener in the group is my mummy, Senator Florence Ita Giwa. Aghhhhhh it is not about the group o, but the ghost appointments. Well, like I had said, it started like a small joke when someone posted a quote from the massively bold and wide-eyed FFK-who is not in the group – DSS please take note. He had as usual issued a scary statement on the appointment of one dead person on the just released list of appointees to various boards and parastatals. It started just like that and by the end of the day it had snowballed into a major crisis with seven other dead people making an appearance on the list. A lot of hue and cry and Nigerians, as usual, who were already annoyed by the lingering fuel scarcity, did not spare our President and his minders. Well for me, I have looked at the list very carefully and after due consultation with my people both dead and living have come to the conclusion that there is marginalisation of the Akwa Ibom people in this country. So even in death, we still will not have one representation? This is totally unfair, I have sent a petition to my fallen compatriots seeking an explanation as to their docility even in the nether world. Why for Femi Adeshina’s sake were we  not represented on this list? Out of eight, none is from our geographical zone. This thing must stop forthwith, our own dead too must also be represented on any list that comes out going forward. Abeg, make I no cry.

YUSUF Buhari – Hold Tight My Brother
Me I don’t know how to play politics with the lives of our people, especially our young ones. Ever since the unfortunate bike accident, there has been an outpouring of love and warmth towards the first family and with the exception of some mentally challenged critics, most people threw political divides aside to send prayers and encouragement to the President and his lovely family. Even though I do not agree with the President on most of his policies and if he is not careful may not vote for him if he comes out for the 2019 election, I will throw all that into the bush and stand with him in prayers for the quick recovery of his handsome son. Almighty Allah will protect him and send his angels to guide and lead him back to good health. As I am writing, I am reading a statement issued by the guild of private doctors or whatever they have called themselves, stating that Yusuf was on his way back to good health. No parent prays to find himself in this kind of situation, it must be very traumatic. Power bikes? No be me. My friend Kanu Ogbannaya is their President o. I see him dressed like an astronaut and he will just be revving the thing like a huge robot. Many times they have invited me to join. Me, from Shomolu, have I finished driving all the Keke Marwa around me? For my darling Aisha, I can imagine what you are going through right now, pele. Just reminds me of how my mum used to fret when I came down with malaria. She would just be shaking and crying and then she would give me enema. Kai, she even offered to give me this enema as a 48-year-old the other day; I was constipated from too much fufu. Take heart my darling, we are with you on this and the whole of Shomolu is holding hands with you as you fight this. He will recover my darling, don’t worry, God is on the throne.

ABUJA, Are You Ready for Yellow Chilli
Let me give you guys an exclusive I got by accident. I was chasing my friends Waidi Akanni, and Victor Ikpeba, the Prince of Monaco, when Waidi told me he was at the Yellow Chilli in Ikeja. Well, my people, that is where you get the best fisherman soup in Lagos and Victor, the amiable proprietor once told me when I asked why the food takes 20 minutes to prepare that if I could not wait then I was not his client. It is true, the soup is something else – story for another day. So, I moved in, even with Waidi begging me not to come. The guy doesn’t like spending money. I don’t even know what is wrong with him sef. Well, I moved in and Waidi was sitting there on a plate of fisherman soup. No wonder. I just grabbed the nearest wash-hand basin and dived into his food as he frowned like Hilary Clinton when she was privately told she had lost the election. It was at this point that Victor walked in and we started talking. He mentioned the berthing of this wonderful restaurant in Abuja somewhere in Wuse 2. As he talked I could see a lot of excitement in his eyes and I too was excited waiting for the usual offer of a fresh bowl of fisherman soup, which did not come. Well, I leave him to God. Anyway that is the scoop: Yellow Chilli would be berthing in Abuja. Details will be released very soon. For now, let me finish Waidi’s food.

COMMAND ALUMNI – Nigerians kindly intervene
This election of which I have thrown in my hat to be the winner is taking its toll on me. I am not sleeping again o, and even in the five minutes that I manage to sleep I find myself jumping out of sleep screaming, ‘I will not be Jonathan’. So my people we have promised to turn the alumni platform into a veritable vehicle for national economic development, corralling micro contributions into a vast pool of developmental wealth. Starting from command we will build a N1b fund and from there pull in as many alumni as we can find, creating jobs and opportunities for our people. So my people I am begging you people to reach out to your friends and family who attended Command to get them to vote for Edgar and Team. Apart from the reason I have stated above, how can Duke of Shomolu lose the very first and possible only election he would be contesting? Kai, I will have to go into exile and which country apart from Zimbabwe will take me? Please, my people, oya start working the phones, call, text your people and let’s have the votes. How I wish Nigerian politics was like this one. Come and see, no ethnicity, no voter inducement with loaves of bread, no thuggery, no violence, no building of statues, just plain issues. If you see the questions and debates, a lesser being will just run. This is what we are saying in this our country. But people no shame me – make the call o.