President Buhari: Happy Birthday Sir


Loud Whispers

Officially we are celebrating your 75th birthday but let me state it here without any fear that I have heard at several beer parlours in Shomolu that what we should be celebrating is 80. I swear my lord, I have even heard 105. But the most important thing here is the celebration of a worthy life. You have against all odds including the confusion at the school certificate stage, grown up to be a highly respected and very well accomplished Nigerian and I personally respect you for that. Your life has shown me that no matter the challenges in life, with focus, discipline and a perfect Hausa/Fulani-laced accent, one can overcome these challenges and emerge one of the most respected Nigerians.  Take for example, in an Interview I believe you granted one major newspaper you talked about your inability to get the ‘’babes’’ when you were younger.

You see, that did not deter you as today you have in your other room one of the most beautiful women that have come out of this country. A pure epitome of a Nigerian woman. Well done sir. On the occasion of this your birthday, as the Duke of Shomolu, I would like to send you a belated birthday wish. We pray for your continued happiness and strength to continue in this vision for us as your countrymen. But sir, what was that ‘’thing’’ your Femi Adeshina wrote in commemoration of your birthday? It was so aimless and directionless that some of us were cringing as we read his poor attempt at Praise-singing. He should have just hired the praise-singing legend – KWAM 1 for the task and I am sure that one would have done a better job. Well sha, don’t let me spoil your birthday sir. Congratulations and I sincerely wish you the best.

The Hijab Controversy
Let me state here first and foremost that I find the hijab-wearing woman very very attractive o. As a powerful man of God, I have always had a soft spot for hijab-wearing ladies whenever I come across them. In fact, the only reason I did not employ Buky who wore hijab for an interview was simply because I knew that if I employed her, I would have ended up being stoned, for as she was talking I was having all sorts of amorous thoughts about her. As a disciplined and God-fearing man, I remembered my father’s advice which was predicated on the very good book which says: ‘’Flee from temptation.’’ I fled o by not employing her. I still see her in my dreams.

So for this Law school people to now deny this lady her fundamental right to graduate because of her sexy headgear annoys not only me but thousands of people like me who secretly yearn for the hijab-wearing woman. You see why our legal system is the way it is, when the law school will be concentrating on things that are not fundamental but will be looking at who wears what. The other day I had EFCC problem o and I went with a lawyer who was not wearing hijab and the way the man was shaking you will begin to wonder ‘’if na him get problem or na me get problem’’ At some point when the shaking was too much, the EFCC people out of pity for me asked the man to wait outside. So my people at Law School, I think you guys are wrong on this one, cos I have even heard that in the UK where you borrowed this your outdated culture, lawyers wear hijab. Abeg, let’s concentrate on content instead of this ephemeral nonsense which does not add anything to the quality of lawyers you are producing.

Please let’s have more hijab-wearing lawyers, kai. In fact, let us make hijab-wearing compulsory for all and sundry who feel comfortable in it. It is because you have not seen a Hijab-wearing, light-skinned, chubby, pristine symbol of African beauty, that is why you people are doing like this. Mbok Fatima, how you dey, when are you coming to Lagos again? I have a song I want to sing to you.

Uche Kachikwu : Go Get a Job
I just saw the video of this bald-headed person claiming to be singing. They say he is the son of Ibe Kachkwu, the Minister of State for Petroleum Resources and you will still be asking why there are fuel queues. The boy, just dey shout “Dino Melaye” in the video and that one too appears in the video, wearing a white T-shirt and displaying a potbelly. You see, such crass celebration of hedonistic lavishness in the midst of stupendous poverty by our leaders and their scions remains a black spot for us.

So in a country where the minimum wage is N18,000,  a son of a public officer can shoot that kind of video celebrating unearned wealth, throwing dollars in the air, romping on very exotic cars and then an image that looks like that of our sitting senator (I pray he is not the one) appears in a smokey haze soaking up the coarse adulation, leaves much to be desired. You see why I support Emir Sanusi for pushing his son to the police? At least that is calmer with a strong possibility of humble service unlike this Ibe own whose talentless son is cavorting with women of easy virtue in a video clip all in a lame attempt at a music career. Can’t he get a job with PENGASSAN and do himself a world of good? Mshewwww!!!!!

Buhari and Osinbajo – Poorly Paid?
I have just seen a report attributed to our highly respected vice president claiming that he and his principal are poorly paid N1.5m and N1.75m salaries respectively. The report did not say if it was their monthly or annual pay. My lord, these are the kinds of things that annoy us in Shomolu. Did they chain you to the job, if the pay is that small why not just resign and go? Is it by force?  With all the abuse and stress you guys get on the job, so it is for this tiny sum? Please enough is enough, kindly resign and let another person take the insults abeg. Seriously, these kinds of statements show the kind of disregard you guys have for us in this country.

Except I am not getting the import of the statement or reading it out of context. The way I am seeing this, our great VP is mocking the rest of us. Please sir, kindly concentrate on making life better for us; that is if this your government has the capacity and stop regaling us with these funny stories of your salary. Is it the salary you are using to pay your house rent in Aso Rock or wherever you live, is it the house rent you are using to buy food or you think we have not seen the budget for food alone that we are paying for in that your Abuja residence? Are you paying medical? Are you paying NEPA? Are you paying ‘mallam’? Are you buying fuel, are you paying school fees? Do you give your madam chop money, please don’t annoy me this morning o. Just leave me o Mr. Osibajo.

Jasper and Sam: Jobtaska to the Rescue
Jasper and Sam walked into my office the other day to discuss their new project. They have just designed a portal that brings artisans and other such allied professional services and their markets together in a lean and transparent labour exchange. So if you need the services, for example, a plumber, all you need to do is go to the portal and seek plumber, you get the contact, you call and set up an appointment. You escrow the plumber’s fees and when you send a satisfactory report the funds is released to the service provider.

This is so exciting especially for those of us who are so busy and as such remain permanent victims of these artisans especially mechanics. Instead of railing against the system, looking for a job and drinking cough syrup like the rest of our youths, these two young men have put their big heads to work. Already in less than one month, they have carried out N6m in fees. So they are not only providing a service, they are creating jobs, creating wealth amongst others. This is how we should be thinking in this country. Well done. Jasper and Sam, we will meet on the Forbes List.