Tony Elumelu Goes to School
Hottest gist in town o. Tony goes to school o. That is me trying to parody that old classic ‘Eze Goes to School.’ My people, I have just been informed that the maestro himself is being studied at Harvard. Harvard o. Oh my Goddd!!!
His Tony Elumelu Foundation (TEF) is being used as a case study in the world famous Harvard and they have even said that the founder, Mr. Tony Elumelu would be given a great mention.
Seeing the other day that LASU did the same for me, I knew how I ran around naked with tissue paper in my hands screaming, Yesss!!! Yesss!!!!. The joy knew no bounds that a group of people would sit down and choose me to be studying.
So, you can imagine this one: Harvard putting Mr. Elumelu on a stand and studying what he has done with his Foundation. Do you blame them? A Foundation that has empowered over 20,000 African youths and spent about $100 million in the process.
Congrats Mr. Elumelu, you really do deserve this. Well-done Sir.
Ibeno: Sorrow, Tears and Real Blood
Ibeno is my motherland. It is where my mother comes from and it is a beach resort with an ample amount of oil. It is a very beautiful land, where Mobil first found oil and where the huge Qua Iboe church first berthed. Its beaches are a pull for tourists and fun seekers from as far as Cameroun and the hinterland of Nigeria, and its fish is world renown.
I woke up to very sad news this morning about my beautiful motherland. Its neighbours from Eket reportedly attacked the sleepy beach resort. The stories I have heard so far as I write this column remain horrendous, although some of them are yet to be verified from official sources. Scores have been reportedly killed, houses burnt and looted, and my people have been forced to abandon their homes, with a few fleeing by boats to find refuge in the sea.
Further unconfirmed sources told me that the Governor, Mr. Umo Eno, has largely ignored the community as the carnage continued with unabated strength. My mother’s people are being killed, attacked and burnt simply because they have found themselves at the centre of a vicious resource control as a result of the vast oil resources on their historical land.
This struggle is not new. In fact, it has been a recurrent decimal in relations between Ibeno and their neighbours Eket, and now Una. The siting of Mobil and other benefits that comes as a result of being a host community has always been the crux of the wahala which in most cases, ends up in this kind of violence.
This time, a controversial “remapping” that was proposed or even done during the last administration of Emmanuel Udom seems to have triggered the new surge of violence. This remapping seems to have ceded some portion of Ibeno land to Eket while also bringing into the fore Una, the local government of the past governor.
Of course, the Ibeno people have resisted leading to this attack that is reminiscent of past skirmishes that always ended with a bloody nose for my mother’s people.
I also learnt that the Mobil’s exit and the arrival of Seplat is another strong touch point to this present wahala.
Please, I’m calling on the Governor of Akwa Ibom State, Pastor Umo Eno, the Commissioner of Police, the IG of police, the Chiefs of Naval Staff and Army to kindly step in to stop this carnage.
I’m Confused over Binance
You know at my age, all these “kurukere” online things confuse me o. Mbok, which one is Binance again. I must confess that the very first time I was hearing about the platform was when the CBN Governor announced that about $26 billion had passed through it via some shadowy and unidentified people.
My people, the whole thing is now looking like those Hollywood movies where some dark people would sit in a room to manipulate things to conquer the world, and then Superman will now fly in and beat them, and they will be running but not before causing an earthquake and storm with a press of the button.
We have seen that since the CBN Governor had announced his crackdown on these portals, the naira has started gaining back strength, which goes to confirm the very strong possibility that the situation was as a result of artificial manipulations.
I learnt that the people even had the guts to fly in to “discuss” and that the NSA’s office has detained them.
You see, as an illiterate in these things I cannot really put mouth, but to say that we had a very strong belief that the naira could not have crashed the way it did in the last one month only by the forces of demand and supply. It was very clear that it was being attacked and in its very vulnerable state, it fell.
If these allegations are proven, then all must be done to bring to book all perpetrators because this is exactly what the military used to call economic sabotage. Sad.
For Allen Onyema, the Hustle is Real
The news that Air Peace would be flying the Lagos-London route seeped into the public space with that beautiful promo by that Comedian- I have forgotten her name o. The one that has lost a lot of weight and speaks in a very aggressive manner and is from Warri.
For me, that promo heralded not only an exciting but very efficient way of going to London, and also a very passionate need to celebrate the true Nigerian spirit. At times when I hear about Mr. Onyema, I would wonder which planet he came from. All the negativity that comes with being Nigerian, the challenges especially in his space – challenges that have pushed away his competitors.
The man keeps getting stronger by the day. From flying stranded Nigerians out of global hotspots, to maintaining a huge local fleet and now the controversial but very lucrative London route.
I have heard that he would be flying to Gatwick which is a little bit irritating but it’s ok. It’s a beautiful start and from there, knowing how he moves, he would expand to the better positioned Heathrow. Already, he has crashed the pricing from what we have gleaned, making it a little bit more affordable for Nigerians who see travelling to London as a national pastime.
Well done, my Lord and congratulations o. My sister Ada has been trying to see you o, oya pick her call o. She just wants to congratulate you. Well done sir; a true Nigerian you are. well done.
Nestle: When Chocolate Turns Bitter
The over N100 billion loss announced by confectionary giant Nestle is rattling. I saw the report at Olowora, one suburb in Lagos. I had to sit down with sweat dripping from my forehead. The loss position is even reported to have wiped out its shareholders funds, meaning that there is no hope of dividends for shareholders.
Coming from the recent announcement of Nigerian Breweries and Guinness, fear is beginning to catch me o. These are giants that have been in the country for decades. They have contributed very significantly to the economy, growing capacity, impacting infrastructure, creating employment, buoying government revenues and also touching society with their CSR.
This situation is very terrible o, especially as it is as a result of the forex crisis. First, it was the airlines, and now giants of industry that one would have expected have the girth to withstand the shock are now falling like a pack of cards.
I don’t even know how the markets would react to this. The implications of this are dire. The markets, government revenues, jobs, availability of their products which are household items thereby adding to the hardship. Mehnn!!! This is maddddd. I swear.
This is not just one small conglomerate that is tumbling over ooo, it is the cherry of our national sundae- Nigerian Breweries, Guinness and now Nestle. Ahhh! What is the need of all these international junkets carrying Seyi all over the place, looking for investments when the ones already on ground are being stifled by warped government policies and a challenging environment.
We need a requiem mass to pray for the economy o. If any of these three, fold up, we are dead. It’s as simple as that. Enough said, make I go chop. Kai!
Asue, Olu and a Shaibu: Tales from the City
The Edo State gubernatorial primaries have come and gone. As expected, a lot of colour, drama, music and shenanigans characterised the exercise.
I have deliberately not involved myself in activities of other parties which is shameful for a national commentator like myself. I should be neutral and “fatherly” abi? But when it comes to Olu and Asue, I have been compromised. I have eaten their afang and I cannot lie, I am partial.
Asue calls himself AI – a brilliant one especially with the youths of Edo State who are digitally aligned. His resonating logo enmeshed on a brilliant red background is simply captivating and engaging. His statesman demeanour — like person wey go soon slap person if you annoy am — is very attractive to the elders and the power brokers in the state. So, he is a bridge between the youths and the elders. It is therefore no wonder that he easily clinched the PDP ticket with such a huge margin.
Olu on the other hand is looking like the “boy is good” candidate. His moniker, “who is your guy,” is a killer. The soundbite, background music and all makes him very compelling and engaging. The footage of his dance steps complete with towel wiping his sweat and reminiscent of the Osun State Governor is catching fire with the youths o.
Olu is a people’s person, a gyrator and a showman. The man can crack jokes, laugh and be laughed at and simply just knows how to have fun even while still throwing up intelligent moves.
Did you guys see the footage of him dancing at one party in Lagos? The video was released after he won the nominations of the Labour Party. As the music starts, Olu jumps into the middle, waving his hands and wriggling his waist and singing with such seriousness that you would think it’s a Grammy performance. Lovely.
Now the dark side. One khaki-wearing Shaibu now wants to come and pour “sand sand” in this very beautiful song. The man is not agreeing o. The fact that he had about one vote in the primaries does not seem to faze him. He has carried his brown khaki to Abuja to attempt a claim on the certificate as reported.
You see, what I don’t like are people who fail to see the tide of things. Please Mr. Shaibu, as you see Asue and Olu wetin you think? Edo is striving to be accepted into the digital age, striving to be connected to new ethos of governance – strong and transparent leadership, innovative engagements and technologically driven ethos. Can you open a laptop? Please, leave this “I no go gree” politics and leave the matter. Kindly just pass by. Thanks.
NLC: The Continued Demystification of a Dinosaur
Can I reveal something shocking? NLC represents only six per cent of the workforce and this is why all their attempts at being taken seriously in this dispensation falls flat. They will call strike, they themselves will call it off after sometime. The president will fly to Imo and receive the beating of his life and nothing will happen and then, he will call strike again and government, who themselves no too get sense, will be calling them to negotiate instead of calling their bluff, and then they will go on strike and only six people will come out and they will now call it off.
See Mr. NLC, we are too busy to be interested in your shenanigans. People are crying blood and really do not have the time to run around the streets like orphans and sing outdated aluta songs when they are faced with clear and very concise challenges in their lives.
I have shouted so many times on this page that the NLC is now very comprehensively irrelevant. It should pull back and recalibrate with a view to rebuilding itself to better fit the present times.
Shey you see this last strike or is it a protest they called it, people were just looking at them the way you look at expired comedians. They continued with their hardships and failed to see how joining these people would help their situation.
Shebi they formed a party, we have seen where that got them and us. If you ask me, I think they should try Nollywood because in my books they make very good comedic actors. Na wa.
That Dance of Kunle Afolayan
The last time I attempted to critique one of his works, I got threatened with juju. Since then, I try to respect myself and keep a distance. But this time, I have received so many prompts with over 50 people sending me a clip of the famous director dancing with a female that they have alleged was his daughter. My people, if that is his daughter, all I can say is “na wa.”
I cannot even begin to describe what I saw o. The clip is there on the internet; oya, you people google it and make up your mind on what you see. It was all so suggestive and dark. That is all I will say at this point for very obvious reasons, I don’t want to wake up in the morning and be crowing like a cockerel. So, I respect myself and return to my point of detached silence on this matter. You sef, go and watch the clip, but don’t come back to me on your thoughts, I no wan hear. Kai.
Don Jazzy: Mavin Goes Hollywood
This past week seems to be a week of congratulations. The news that our own Mavin Records have snagged the interest of a global music giant is nothing more than a very exciting news report.
That someone can sit in his pyjamas — yes o, that is what me I see him wearing most times and in his sleepy, “I just wake up voice,” builds something that resonates globally to the point that a huge enterprise like Universal Music will not only show interest but will also take a huge chunk, and wait for it, retain him as CEO.
This is another Nigerian spirit and I must hail not only him but the whole team at Mavin Records for such a wonderful gate.
You see why to dey make assumptions no good. I have never seen the gates of that their VI office open one day. The place always looks permanently locked up with no seeming activity and I will be wondering exactly wetin dem dey do inside the place.
I even have written them off because when I pass and see only mallam for gate, I will now go on Instagram and I will see Don Jazzy in pyjamas singing “how are you my friend,” and I will just hiss and say, this one still dey house sef, lazy man.
Na lie. He is a genius and this has shown with this mega deal. I apologise, my brother, it is not until you bathe that you will make history. See wetin you don do in pyjamas, if you come bath and come dey come work nko…..
Congrats, the great Don Jazzy, the sky is the beginning. Well done.
